So as I was flipping through the channels on the television last night, I made a bizarre discovery. I came to channel 40, American Movie Classics (AMC, for short) and a movie was just beginning. It featured a leather-clad Halle Berry prancing about fighting crime like a cat.
Yes, Catwoman was part of the lineup on the American Movie Classics channel...
Catwoman.
An American Movie Classic?
I figured that it must just be a fluke, an anomaly. Checking the schedule for the channel today I see that Hard To Kill, starring Steven Seagal, is on tonight. I'm sorry, but the only classic thing that Seagal has ever done is make mediocre (at best) movies while squinting. Seriously, I wonder if he can even see where he's going most of the time. And don't worry, if you miss the airing of Hard To Kill tonight, they're replaying it again tomorrow afternoon.
I wanted to look into this station a little more, so I visited their website. I discovered something a little unusual. Nowhere on the website do they refer to the station as American Movie Classics. It's only called "AMC." Perhaps someone there wised-up to the "un-classic-ness" of its current state and figured they should drop the full name in favor of the less specific, more forgiving abbreviation.
That opens up a whole new slew of crappy movies to the programming schedule. I guess the trick is just to redefine the terms when the present ones don't suit your current needs. Sure, it may be the cheap way out, but what could be more classically American?
Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Trapped in the Drive-Thru" by Weird Al Yankovic (It's National Drive-Thru Day Today!)
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13 comments:
classicly american. nice. I think basically that station is any movie they get given to them because they have no real budget.
per your song of the day....or week as that is how long it takes to listen to... i can't get through it now. I listened to it once or twice and though I laugh and laugh the whole time it is really painful how long it is. and how accurately it makes fun of the original song, which was all the pain without any of the humor.
~F3
Re: F3
Well, it's been said that all good comedy involves a little bit of pain.
And if it hadn't been said before, it has now. The pain makes the funny all the sweeter.
Catwoman. Where to begin? That’s 104 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
Let’s put it this way: In 1989, director Mark Goldblatt was quoted as saying, regarding his decision to eliminate The Punisher’s trademark skull logo from the costume of the titular character because it looked too “comic book-ish.” Heaven forbid! IT’S A COMIC BOOK CHARACTER! I mean, does the word “duh” mean anything to you?! (Somebody figured things out when a new Punisher film was done in 2004)
So, what does that have to do with Catwoman? If you ever saw Batman Returns, if you ever read a Batman comic book, or one of the Catwoman comics, for that matter, or if you have any idea what Catwoman is, you know that Halle Berry is CINO (Catwoman in Name Only). Catwoman is a licensed trademark of DC Comics, a subsidiary of Warner Bros. Catwoman has a long history reaching back to Batman #1 – 1940!!! Catwoman was Selina Kyle when she was introduced in Batman #1, she was Selina Kyle throughout the history of the story, she was Selina Kyle in Batman Returns, in Batman: The Animated Series, Justice League Unlimited and all other cartoon adaptations of the character. Base of operations? Since 1940, if you are going to be in a Batman story, you probably have to be in Gotham City.
Halle Berry's Catwoman? NOT Selina Kyle; Patience Phillips. Set in Gotham City?
Nope. No Gotham City, no Batman. It’s some other fictitious an nary a nod to the character that spun her off. How can I comment on that? It’s like doing a movie about Lois Lane, but calling her Francine Frakes, having her work for the Calico City Banner, and making no mention of Clark Kent. Guess what – you aren’t doing a story about the same character anymore.
I’m not saying anything that many people haven’t said already. It’s sad. They spent $85 million on that piece of garbage. Okay, after paying Berry and Stone’s salaries, what did they spend the other $75 million on? Maybe they should have put a little investment into the SCRIPT!!? Maybe gotten some input from somebody who could have told them that, if you cheese-off the comic-book fans, you aren’t going to get anybody? Look, in May, 2006, IGN's FilmForce quoted Berry as saying "If they seriously said, 'We want to do another one and here's how we're going to make it better because we learned from the mistakes,' I would because I believe we could make it better.” No FRAK they could make it better!!! They sure as spit couldn’t make it any WORSE!!!
Ironically, the only thing not universally condemned is the casting of this film. The idea of Halle Berry as Catwoman elicits memories of Earth Kitt. Halle Berry’s Catwoman COULD HAVE BEEN a great movie. It’s the “could have beens” that hurt the most.
No reference to Batman or Gotham City. That’s kind of like marketing a designer hand-bag without mentioning the designer’s name and removing all the labels. That turns a Prada into K-Mart Blue-Light Special.
You would be better off watching two hours of the Home Shopping Network than Catwoman. I’m sorry I didn’t get the opportunity to warn you. AMC. You are right it USED to be “American Movie Classics,” but it has long since come to mean “Apparent Movie Crapolla.”
And, if all comedy involves pain, then why isn't Catwoman funny?
Troy
Re: Troy's ran
Ouch. Sounds like a bad movie. For the record, I didn't watch it. I saw that it was on, shrugged my shoulders at that notion of it being on AMC, and promptly changed the channel to (I think) some reruns of Scrubs on Comedy Central.
Re-runs of Scrubs beats almost any movie you can find on TV
I'm with Jon.
By the way, just so you know the level of my feelings on this, here are a few things that I hate about as much as I hate Catwoman:
The ban on foie gras
The death tax
Legislation from the bench
Hippies
Mimes
Most other drivers
People who stand in the middle of the aisle
Mobile phones in public places
Cashiers who talk on the phone while ringing you up
Automated phone systems; inbound and outbound
Non-tourists who don’t speak English (or, at least, American English)
That stupid ducky dance at weddings (and the Hokey-Pokey)
The President preempting A Charlie Brown Christmas (i.e. Jimmy Carter! I’ll never forgive him for that)
Heather Mills
Of course, that's just a partial list to give you an idea.
Troy.
Re: Jon
You're right. And when you're right you're right. And you, you're always right!
Re: Troy (part 2)
You know, Troy, if you want to do a guest column someday, just ask. I feel like you're auditioning with every comment...
And what's wrong with mimes? They're hilarious! (Ever seen Eurotrip?)
I’ll consider the “guest column” thing. Actually, I’d love to.
Yes, the mime in Eurotrip was very funny – because he was tormenting someone ELSE. If it was me, I would have had to have jumped up and down on his head until he stopped moving. I was going to join ICBL because I misunderstood the commercial.
Look, I’m not prejudiced or anything. Mutes are okay. They deserve a little patience and compassion. Plus, they got that whole sign language thing going on, so at least they they’re making an effort.
I mean, what are they trying to communicate with that whole invisible force field thing? I saw this one mime on the street struggling to get out of one of those, so I thought I’d help him out. Would you believe MY hand when right thought the thing and I ended up punching him square in the face?! I must be stronger than I thought. And blood really looks bright against that white clown face!! So the guy starts yelling and cussing at me and I’m like, “Hey, buddy, aren’t you breaking some mime law or something? They’re going to take away your membership card and then you’ll just be a clown.”
You can have yours AND mime. I can’t stand ‘em.
Troy
per the guest writer thing, I don't think you needed to give permission. I believe Troy wrote more in his catwoman rant than you did in your article. Not that I am complaining...I finally got off the floor after laughing so much. One thing I am still confused on though... just how DOES troy feel about the recent catwoman movie?
seriously though, there are only two things that scare me more than another abomination of a classic comic and one of them in nuclear war.
~F3
Yes, F3, but at least the nuclear exchange is over in about 15 minutes, with death, in most cases, being instantaneous. Catwoman was excruciating for nearly two hours – AND I MUST LIVE WITH THE MEMORY THE REST OF MY LIFE!
Troy
The other thing that scares me more, of course, is carnies. Small hands you know. But yes, I see your point. Not even so much the unexplainable 2 hours plus but the ensuing nightmares, questions about the legitamacy of your love of true comics and history knowing you willingly sat through that movie, etc. It could have been worse though. Kevin Costner could have been in it as well.
~F3
Does any one else smell cabbage? And wasn't that the backwards-talking guy from Twin Peaks?
Troy.
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