Rob's Random Musings

Sadly, it didn't feature an appearance from Rerun...

2008-11-18T14:24:00.003-06:00

So, I'm home sick again...coughing and blowing my runny nose with a frequency like David Spade saying something sarcastic. My nose is literally raw from so much contact with tissues. The good news is that I'm beginning to feel better. My throat no longer burns when I cough. Seems like a good start towards healing. Yay!

Some not-so-good news, however, is how I elected to pass some of my time while home sick.

This morning, I watched a movie. This should not be too surprising. Let me go on the record to say that I love the movies "The Sixth Sense," "Unbreakable," and "Signs." I thought that "The Village" was pretty decent as well as "Lady in the Water."

All of these films were written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan. I'm not certain that I spelled his name correctly just now, but after what I just endured, I don't feel it's necessary to look his name up for accuracy.

I just finished watching "The Happening."

For those of you who want the short version, here it is: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE!!! It is terrible and it warrants 484 Spartans on my Spartan scale.

Ok, you've been warned. For those of you who want to know why, I offer the top ten reasons why this movie was so terrible. (Spoilers will be included, so if you wish to defy me and see the movie anyway, stop reading now.)

1) The Premise: The Happening is about an airborne virus that is infecting people and leading them to commit suicide in gruesome manners. It is first thought to be some sort of terrorist attack. Later, the movie reveals the big, scary threat is trees. Yes, you read that correctly...trees. More specifically, trees, bushes, and even grass. The movie isn't completely clear on what types of trees, bushes, or plants are responsible...but just makes it seem that "Mother Earth" or "Nature" is striking back.

2) An airborne virus...yet no one seals themselves inside anything, they often go on the run outside...where the evil trees and wind can roam freely.

3) SCARY WIND! Since the movie never really has a visible antagonist, we are left with menacing shots of the wind blowing through the trees. Nothing like beautiful shots of nature to inspire fear!

4) The performances are just awful. Seriously, I don't think that any actor or actress spent much time rehearsing for this movie. Nearly every line is just muttered as if it's being read off the script for the first time. The only exception might be the creepy old shut-in lady near the end of the film. She's rather "over-the-top" creepy, and gives the lone memorable performance in the film. Plus, she had a really creepy doll in her bedroom that scared the begeezus out of me.

5) Meaningless subplots..."Joey" calls on the cell phone frequently and it seems like he'll become an important player at some point. Nope, he's just a throwaway, non-important background character whose only purpose is to demonstrate that Emma and Elliot are having trouble with their relationship. I suppose this is just to have a little extra "Awwww" moment when they work things out. (Complete with adopting little Jess and a pregnancy, yay!!!)

6) The symptoms of the effected people are just weird. For some reason, they all (well, almost all) stop in their tracks before finding a way to "off" themselves. Some of them even walk backwards. Weird...I don't get it. I suppose it was just supposed to be a "look how they're not acting normally" moment so that we can recognize who'd been effected later. Whatever...I found it jarring and annoying.

7) When the protagonists (those that are still alive) determine that the virus is airborne and being spread by the trees, they flee into the forest and fields. Yes, the forest and fields.

8) When Elliot is separated from Emma and Jess, he decides that "if we're all going to die, I want to be together." So he intends to brave the outdoors to move out of his building to the building where they are waiting. Once would expect a sprint across the field to be reunited with his loved ones. It could've been a moment of (albeit contrived) tension. Instead, he slowly walks out the front door with dramatic music backing him up. Jess and Emma slowly walk out of their building, too. Now they're all in danger of being infected. Fret not, though, as the virus has simply decided to "unexpectedly stop" as nature sometimes does...how convenient.

9) The annoying side-characters. I don't even recall the two boys names who somehow ended up with the main three. Who they are or where they came from is irrelevant. They were simply brought along to be fodder to show that crazy shut-ins like to shoot people with shotguns. I think it was supposed to be shocking, but I was, instead, thankful that we didn't have to hear from those two any more.

10) The foolish extra end scene...ugh, as if the movie wasn't bad enough. At the end of the film, we're left to wonder if this "happening" was something government related or "nature" fighting back. This was potentially the most interesting moment in the movie, as people were doubting the source of the "happening." As tv scientists explain their theories as we are watching, one suggests a government conspiracy since the "happening" only occurred near some rumored CIA facilities. If there had been outbreaks in other places, it would indicate that it was "nature" fighting back. Cut to three months later. We have the aforementioned "happy ending" with the young girl going off to school, a baby on the way, and everything is sunshine and lollipops. Except that in France, the "happening" is, um, well..for lack of a better word...happening again. Looks like "nature" really is striking back.

So, in the end, the movie is a pretty big "we need to take better care of our planet or it's going to rise up and attack us" propaganda piece.

(In my best David Spade voice) "Yeah, we need that like we need another Paris Hilton reality show..."

Seriously, avoid this flick unless you want to waste time. On the plus side, it was relatively short...

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Who Cares?" by Extreme

After studying hard, I've deduced that his name is Flipper...

2008-11-12T22:49:00.004-06:00

As Juno's friend Leah once said, "Yo yo yiggidy yo." (I think that's some sort of greeting.)

So, today at work, I was thinking about the future. No, not about time travel, hover cars, or the fact that doom is seemingly impending (more so than normal) because a certain Obama is the president-elect.

No, I was thinking about the fact that I'd like to find a new job. I took an online "career finders" test and was astonished at the results. After just a few short minutes, this little test had matched the "top 20" careers suited to me.

So here they are, in the order given to me by the test, along with why none of these are the career for me:

Astronaut: What am I, six years old? Seriously, I don't even like roller coasters. There's no way I'm getting on board a space shuttle.

Electrical Engineer: Hmm...designing electrical things? Probably not my forte, and I wouldn't want to infringe on Mike's territory.

Civil Engineering Technician: Bridges and such could be fun to design...perhaps I should consider this.

Dolphin Researcher: Now, this result is puzzling. I mean, that's really, really specific. Note that it doesn't say "Marine Biologist." No, this is dolphin researcher. I figure the world only needs a few of these, and I am not to be one of them.

Computer Systems Analyst: I don't think I could handle looking at code all day.

Industrial Engineer: Again, this engineering thing might be somewhat up my alley. Maybe the test wasn't all bad.

Aviation Accident Investigator: I don't think I could handle looking at tragedies. Besides, I've seen Fight Club. I don't want to be responsible for deciding if it's "cost effective" to do a recall.

Equine Vet: A horse doctor? Me? I don't like small pets...no way I'd like big horses.

Civil Engineer: I guess this is more of the "theory" side than the technician...not necessarily a bad idea for me.

Neurosurgeon: Ick! Operating on brains? I hope my hands would be steady!

Auto Racing Mechanic: I do think that I'd like to be a mechanic. Auto racing, though? Sounds noisy.

Prosthetics Designer: Who knows...maybe I could be responsible for designing the prosthetic that the infamous one-armed-man uses to commit his crimes!

Computer Hardware Designer: Meh...not for me. I don't like computers enough for that.

Veterinarian: Pets bother me. I'm quite certain I'd have a hard time being sympathetic enough.

Acoustical Engineer: THIS is something that I should research. Seriously...the test was worth taking for this result. I love music, sound, and the technology behind it.

Cardiologist: No working on the human body. It's icky.

Arson Investigator: Burn victims? Tragedy? No thanks...although I could probably get a cool pair of shades like that CSI guy.

Industrial Chemist: Oooh! I could manage huge vats of steaming chemicals! Sounds...dangerous!

Telecommunications Manager: Is that like a phone operator? I wouldn't want to be responsible for communications systems. Nobody's ever happy when dealing with those people.

Computer Engineer: NERDS! But I'm ok with being a nerd...so maybe this isn't so bad.

Ultimately, I guess this just goes to show that I still don't know what I want to do...but I'm fairly certain that it's not dolphin research.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Here It Goes Again" by OK Go

I hear it's good in a Frappuchino, too...

2008-10-30T19:32:00.003-06:00

So...politics?

BOO!

Halloween?

BOO! (Seriously, I wouldn't mind National Costume Day. I really wouldn't, but all of the "death" and "horror" associated with Halloween just gives me the heebie-geebies...and not in the good way.)

Caramel?

YAY!!!

I recently discovered that caramel is the correct spelling for the word that I've been pronouncing "carmel" for ages.

According to dictionary.com:

Car-mel (noun)
1. Mount, a mountain range in NW Israel, near the Mediterranean coast. Highest point, 1818 ft. (554 m). 14 mi. (23 km) long.
2. a town in central Indiana. 18,272.
3. Also called Carmel-by-the-Sea. a town in W California, on the Pacific Ocean: artists' colony and resort.
4. a female given name: from a Hebrew word meaning “garden.”

Car-a-mel (noun)
1. a liquid made by cooking sugar until it changes color, used for coloring and flavoring food.
2. a kind of chewy candy, commonly in small blocks, made from sugar, butter, milk, etc.
3. a yellowish brown or tan color.

As a fan of both caramel and words, I thought it important to point out the significant distinction between the two:

One is a deliciously sweet morsel that sends a taster into a euphoric bliss.

The other is bunch of dirt and rocks piled on top of each other.

See the drastic difference? You wouldn't want to eat the wrong one. Blech! And you wouldn't want to climb on the other, you'd likely get stuck. May you never confuse the two again.

My name is Rob Mayer, and I approve this message. (See how I tied it back in to politics? Eh? EH??? Well, I amused myself, anyway.)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd

Yeeeeaaaaah, boyeeeee...

2008-10-29T19:25:00.003-06:00

Ha. Hehehe...

I'm such a dork.

If you could only see me now...

So, it's been documented that I love lists. Can't resist them. Tonight, I sit here and I watch as VH1 counts down the greatest hip-hop songs of all time.

Just sittin' here...bobbin' my head as LL Cool J, Eminem, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Salt-N-Pepa, and Jay Z fill the room with phat beats and cool jams.

It all reminds me of one thing:

I am so white.

Still, as a rhythm enthusiast, hip-hop has a special place in my heart. Right next to progressive rock and miles above country music.

I mean...MILES above country music.

I think that's what I'd like to discuss tonight. What's the appeal of country music? Is it the twangy voice? The way everyone's personal life crumbles to pieces in just about every song? There's an old joke that goes a little something like this:

Q: What happens when you play a country song backwards?
A: You get back with your wife, your dog comes home, your pickup trucks starts running again, and you get out of prison.

What other music is so associated with rodeos, too? I mean, hey...let's jump on a wild animal and see how long until it throws us to the ground and tries to trample us! And square dancing??? Don't even get me started on square dancing.

Blech...country music. Makes me want to wretch.

Which, coincidentally, looks the same as me trying to get my groove on to some hip-hop.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Rapper's Delight" by Sugarhill Gang

Howdy, partner...

2008-10-28T22:30:00.003-06:00

Boy howdy...it's been a while, hasn't it? 'Bout six weeks since I wrote something, I reckon. (That sounds cowboy-ish, no?) I want to try to start writing again on a semi-regular basis...so here goes.

A whole lot has been happening for the Cloud Nine Kid (that's me, for the record). Love is in the air, I've got a first place fantasy football team (Go Bastardized Kittens!), and I was recently spotted in the front row at a Bear's game.

Life. Is. Good.

It stands to reason, then, that I should have much to say, right? I began to write a little, but then started to feel very tired. I was about to just shut the computer down and call it a night. It was then, in that moment, that Los Angeles Laker Lamar Odom said a little something that inspired me to jot something down before turning in for the night.

"Ba dum, boow. Ba dum, boow. Ba dum, boow. Ba dum, boow."

Ok, that probably doesn't make any sense, but if I add the words, "Hey, hey, hey," that might help.

Still no? Check this out:

Smiling yet? Something about that nostalgia that just cheers the soul. I am suddenly filled with some extra energy and finding words to share.

Sure, this isn't the most poignant post ever, but I'm smiling writing it, and I hope you found something to smile about while reading it.

I reckon you did.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Smooth" by Santana featuring Rob Thomas

HEADLINE: Squirrel destroys hybrid...

2008-09-17T10:48:00.004-05:00

Hmm...we're in one of our "slower" periods at work, so I thought I'd write a bit. This affords me an opportunity to take a break from the copious amounts of online crossword puzzles that I've been doing during the last few days at work. (It's a tough job, but someone's got to...hey, wait, it's not a tough job!)

So here I sit at my computer terminal, staring at the screen while listening to David's cd that he gave me to check out (see, David, I AM listening to it, finally) and am trying to figure out some sort of topic or theme about which to write. It's tricky, you know...these things don't always present themselves to me in such a normal way.

I suppose I could go on and on about the Bears, but I'm not feelin' it so much after last week's heart-breaking loss. (HOLD ON TO THE BALL, OLSEN!!!) It would've been easier a week ago after The Beloved knocked off the Colts in a game that caught most by surprise...maybe even me.

Still, I don't really feel so much like writing about the Bears right now, so I turned to my Red Hot Chili Peppers Friend, Frank, and asked him about what I should write. He suggested the following:

"the effect of rising gas costs on the various animals that WOULD have lost their lives to large SUVs but are now happily bouncing off smaller hybrids"

Interesting idea, RHCPFF...interesting. A little creepifying, but interesting.

Gas prices are pretty high, as everyone is well aware, and not everyone has a Party Prius. As such, getting to and fro has become rather expensive for some of us. (The sheiks on the other side of the world are probably getting around just fine, though.) For example, if someone were to drive from, oh...I don't know, Schaumburg to Springfield for some reason, it ain't cheap.

So here, without any real thought to long-term effects and repercussions to the economy, nature, or regard for human life are my solutions to the current gas price crisis: (say that three times quickly...) gas price crisis, gas price crisis, gas price crisis

1) In light of the recent rainfall, we need hydro-powered cars. Clearly we have an abundance of the stuff and there could be a handy straw protruding from the steering wheel for whenever the driver gets thirsty.

2) Skunks. There are far too many of them by my house. If we could use them to generate power to run automobiles, not only would we have a wonderful new fuel source, we could rid the Schaumburg area of them as well. Possums would make an acceptable substitute or, failing that, mosquitoes (when they're in season).

3) Windpower. No, I'm not talking about setting up those giant propellers in the middle of nowhere and using them to steal energy from the wind. I propose that we use the current political state of our country to capture a generous portion of the hot air being spewed from the left and right. All this political commentary wears upon my soul and could potentially propel our cars instead.

And that's just off the top of my head. (Evident by the lack of thought put into each idea, for certain.) I'll have to contact some engineers and they can tell me how foolish I sound.

I suppose it could be worse, though...I could still be doing crosswords at work instead of writing this...

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Blues Before Sunrise" by Eric Clapton

Life between eight and ten...

2008-09-05T11:12:00.005-05:00

Hmm...how 'bout that weather, eh? Normally, I don't comment on the weather much, but I've got a point to it, today, so hang in there.

It's been raining for about two straight days, and everything is soaked, including my new Chicago Bears window flag that flies proudly from my rear passenger-side window. (That window doesn't work quite right anyway, so why not support The Beloved from it?)

The sky has been gray, cloudy, and dreary lately due to all of the rain. According to what I could find on the internet (which must be right because ANYONE can write on it, right?), rain clouds are known as Nimbus (Greek meaning "yucky or rainy") and can be either Cumulus ("poofy") or Stratus ("like a pancake"). Ok, so I may have stretched things a bit there, but that's the basic idea.

Turns out that there are ratings for clouds, too. Some big fluffy clouds can reach as high as 30,000-40,000 feet and have the look of big, beautiful white mountains in the sky. These clouds are some of the brightest and most breathtaking. These fall into the classification known as "Level Nine," hence the expression "on cloud nine."

You see...that's where I feel I've been lately...cloud nine. The last month has seen more things go my way than I truly deserve, culminating with meeting a wonderful, wonderful woman.

Yes, readers, if you didn't already know, I've managed to find myself in a (gasp!) relationship...

And it's been great. We're struggling a bit with the 200 miles that separate us, but we're getting by. We have so much in common, most importantly our love for Jesus Christ. So far, the only thing we've managed to argue about is who will be the first to find something to disagree upon. (Vegas has me as the heavy favorite, though.)

Anyway, life's been unfairly good to me, but I'm not complaining. Not complaining at all.

Although I wish it would dry up outside...

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Bleedin' Orange and Blue...

2008-08-26T23:11:00.003-05:00

So the olympics have come and gone. Michael Phelps is likely a robot, Chinese gymnasts are likely jr. highers, and synchronized diving is likely the worst sporting event ever created.

I mean, seriously...Synchronized. Diving.

Still, the olympics were fascinating and the opening ceremonies spectacle was amazing. I'm scared to think of what Chicago might do to compete with that presentation. What have we got to compare to that? I think our best bet is to just offer italian beef sandwiches and deep dish pizza while ushering people down pot-hole riddled highways and tapping their Ipass for money. It's just crazy enough to work.

Something else is holding my attention, though. Several things, actually. Right now, though, as September draws near, it's the time of year when a young man's thoughts turn to that one special thing...

Football.

I love my Bears. My love for The Beloved has been documented throughout this blog. This year it looks like we're putting Sexy Rexy on the backburner and turning control of the offense over to the one, the only, The Neckbeard. I'll be honest, I've always thought Rex had more potential. There was that six game stretch in '06 where he looked like and MVP candidate. Something went wrong after that, though, and he hasn't been able to regain that top notch form since.

Now Kyle Orton running the show, though, and you know what...he's looked pretty good. If the defense can step up and the special teams can continue to dominate, we just may be able to call The Beloved division champs this year.

I, for one, am excited.

And it has nothing to do with gold medals.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Compadre'" by Insyderz

The journey begins...or...Aren't these two AWESOME???!!!

2008-08-23T15:08:00.003-05:00

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...

2008-08-05T15:13:00.006-05:00

I survived!

No death-avenging required, folks, but I know that you were ready should the need have arisen. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back. You deserve it.

Go ahead. Do it. I'll wait...

See? Don't you feel better now? How's the self-morale? Elevated, no?

I thought so...

What a weekend! It all started with a circus attempt to rent a convertible from the good people at Avis rental. There was a slight problem with our coupon, so it was going to end up costing more than the Primrose boys had thought, so we walked. (Not to West Virginia, mind you, but out of the Avis rental office.) Ready and willing to bail us out in our attempt were the Bruchmans. Big thanks to them for letting us use their Sebring. There's nothing quite like the wind in your face as you cruise down the highway at ridiculous hours of the night while rocking out to music from just about every genre imaginable. Good times.

Rolling in at 4:30 a.m. was just the beginning...

Saturday brought a day at the beach (complete with giant iceberg and trampoline!), some cricket, and (of course) delicious s'mores around a campfire. More good times.

Cricket was a new experience. It's a great game that can be played (seemingly) by any number of people. It'll be even better to play it someday on a flat surface that is less rock-riddled. I'm sure that there's got to be a better way for setting up the "wicket" (I believe that's what it's called) each time after the top pieces get knocked to and fro, though. Something akin to the pinsetters in bowling, perhaps...

Still, I feel like I learned something new, and despite what has previously been said about the dangers of learning something new, this was great! A classy game for the ages and one that I will certainly play again!

Sunday was the big day, though, whitewater rafting was on the schedule and nervous tension was on my heart. Not having ever done it before, I wasn't really sure into what I was getting. I believe my exact words, as I headed toward my boat and the on-site cameraman put his camera in my face, asking, "What's your name?" were, "You can call me nervous."

I was. (Although my calm, cool, unflinching demeanor wouldn't show it...and if you believe that I've got some land to sell you.) After signing, what seemed to be, a 1,300 page waiver you can't help but feel a little uneasy.

So we hopped into our raft, drifted out to the calm waters and began to practice following our guides directions. It all seemed easy enough. Then we were off...

Now, my mind is racing with analogies that might shine a light upon that which is whitewater rafting. I was going to compare it to football because it's on my mind. I thought that maybe I'd compare it to a movie because, well, my mind just tends to work that way. Perhaps I'd compare it to gas prices, because that talk is all the rage lately...

I think, though, that I'd like to relate it to a great spanish song of my liking. It's called Malaguena Salerosa. (Just ignore the video, listen to the music. Or watch the video for all of its cheesy glory, I don't care.) I don't have a clue as to the meaning of this tune, but it has a special place in my heart because it is...well...awesome. The song starts off pretty briskly, maintains for a while, has a guitar explosion around the 3:27 mark, and then calms back down. I feel like that song captures how I felt throughout the trip down the river rather well. (The Class V "Double Z" section of the river coinciding with the guitar eruption at 3:27.)

Yeah, I'm a strange person. I know this. You know this. Let's just move on.

Seriously, though, the rafting was a lot of fun, and I encourage any of you "I haven't ever gone whitewater rafting before" types to get out there and try it. If you're lucky, you'll end up in a raft full of awesome people (I was lucky!) who will make the experience even better...be it somehow managing to keep yourself in the boat "Chuck-Norris-Style" or grabbing onto the water cooler for dear life while screaming, it's a joy for your fellow rafters either way. Morale in our boat couldn't have been higher due, largely, to the frequent "paddle high-fives."

If you find that it is not to your liking, I'll...well, I won't do anything for you. Still, though, I'm fairly certain you'll enjoy it. You're reading this on the internet...the internet wouldn't lie to you, would it?

All in all, an awesome weekend. Great trip up...fun time there...awesome trip back...and I even learned a valuable lesson while there:

"Words mean things."

Think about it. Simple. Elegant. To the point.

Woah.

Anyway, that's my story from this weekend. I could go on and on and on and on and on...but I won't.

Not now, anyway.

In the meantime, you should learn the "Pirate Dance." (Draw the sword, drink the rum, walk the plank, kick the shark. Repeat.)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Hey Jude" by The Beatles (nothing beats belting this one out at the top of your lungs with your boys while cruising down highway 65 with the top down...obeying all posted speed limits, of course.) (Although the techno remix of "Listen to Your Heart" comes pretty close.) (There's a lot of info in this "Song of the Day" part today, no?) (I like parentheses.)

I'm invincible!!!

2008-08-01T00:13:00.002-05:00

Ah, it was like old times...

Tonight I tasted the sweet nectar of nostalgia in the form of one of the greatest video games of all time. I've often claimed that "Kaboom" for the Atari was the greatest video game of all time. There's no winning in that game. The bombs just drop faster and faster until you lose, but accumulating an abundance of points is just flat-out good times.

Still, "Kaboom" was not the game of choice this evening. Tonight, I played some Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64. It only took a moment to select "Kissy" as my control style, Boris as my character, and "Facility" as my stage and I was thrust into the action, tossing proximity mines like crazy around a bathroom and watching my foes explode before me.

As I often like to say:

It...was...AWESOME!

What is it about playing an old game that brings such joy to my heart? Why is it so comforting? Is it the familiarity? The longing for some happy memories from the past?

Nah, I think it's the fact that blasting your foes with a rocket launcher in the "complex" level brings some joy that simply can't be found elsewhere.

Especially if that foe is being represented by Oddjob. I hate that guy...with his stupid hat, short stature, and smug look on his face.

Anyway, it was much fun, and I highly recommend digging up something fun from your past for another look. Good times.

Off to go whitewater rafting in West Virginia this weekend. If I don't make it back, please avenge my death.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson

Well, it's no cowbell, but...

2008-07-28T23:34:00.002-05:00

Boy, it's been a while since I've written anything. Where to begin? I could comment on the new Batman movie (very good, but not the mind-blowing experience it was hyped to be...but the "magic pencil trick" was amazing). I could comment on the political scene. (Actually, I don't think I'm even capable.) I could comment on everyone's favorite topic...outrageous gas prices. (I think it's become the go-to topic when running out of things to say, edging out even the weather.)

None of that's really my style, though. (Well, maybe the Batman...but that's not where I'm going.) I'd rather comment on something smaller. Sometimes, it's the little things in life that somehow make getting through the day-to-day bearable. Not the "big" things that relate on a more grand scale, you know?

Then again, Gavin Rossdale sang that it's the "little things that kill," so maybe I don't know about what I am talking. (or maybe he doesn't)

That's beside the point, though. Today something little happened. Sure, there were some bigger things, such as jamming to Muse on Rock Band with the Laskey boys (they're so good at that game...), playing football with the junior highers, and Max Weinberg returning to The Late Show with Conan O'Brien, but those aren't what still has me grinning like a fool this evening.

This morning, while at work, I was listening to the Eric & Kathy show on 101.9, "The Mix." I often listen to their show for some good info, many laughs, and the amazing "Friday Song."

This morning they gave a report on something that had to do with lasers, and started playing a silly laser sound effect over all sorts of things, thereby making them, as we say in the shipping business, "better." It was cracking me up, especially when they played it during that new Coldplay tune that, I am rather certain, is playing on a radio station right now. (It's EVERYWHERE, but don't get me wrong...I kinda dig it.)

So anyway, time moved on, as it often does, and they, too, moved on from the amazing laser sounds to other less interesting non-laser-involving stories. I kept plugging away at my job, and decided that I needed something to give me a little lift...something to lift my spirits on a tired monday morning.

I knew what I needed...and I knew where I might be able to get it. I quickly hopped on the computer and sent an email to Eric, of the aforementioned Eric & Kathy Show. It was short. It was simple. It said the following:

Subject: MORE LASERS!!!

That's all...I just want more lasers, please.

And if possible, more cowbell.

Much luv,
Rob

What I got blew me away...approximately two minutes later, upon returning from a commercial break, I was stunned to hear Eric reading my email on the air, including my trademark "Much luv, Rob." (I don't know how that started, but that's how I've signed off just about every email I've ever written.)

Anyway...

Eric proceeded to apologize for not having cowbell, but then unleashed a bevy of hilarious sound effects, including more lasers, cows mooing, zippers zipping, etc.

I couldn't help but smile. Maybe you heard it on the radio, too. I hope it made you smile as well.

And if not, perhaps this laser-related video will make you smile. If nothing else, it's got a good song in it...

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Breath Into Me" by Red

We'll see...

2008-07-08T00:15:00.004-05:00

So I just wrapped up watching a very interesting movie. It's called "Charlie Wilson's War." It's a story about, go figure, Charles Wilson, a Texas congressman who helped spearhead the "largest CIA covert operation" against the Soviets in the eighties. It was a very good movie...I think I'd give it 22 Spartans on my Spartan Scale.

After a trip to Pakistan and seeing the suffering that is happening there, "Good-time Charlie" decides that he simply MUST get involved. Wilson, though many different means, finds a way to raise funds to get "modern" weaponry into the hands of those who need it. This proves to be the turning point and leads to the crumbling of the communist occupiers.

Inadvertently, this also leads to supplying weapons to, what would later become, Al Queda. We all know what happens with them.

It was a very interesting, thought-provoking movie, and it's all based upon true events. Kinda scary when you think about it.

At one point, Gust Avrokotos (aptly played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman...seriously should've won an Oscar for his performance) tells a story to Charlie. It goes a little something like this:

There's a little boy and on his 14th birthday he gets a horse... and everybody in the village says, "how wonderful. the boy got a horse" And the Zen master says, "we'll see." Two years later The boy falls off the horse, breaks his leg, and everyone in the village says, "how terrible." And the Zen master says, "We'll see." Then, a war breaks out and all the young men have to go off and fight... except the boy can't cause his legs all messed up. and everybody in the village says, "How wonderful."

Of all the things in this movie, this is what sticks out to me. No, I'm not suddenly all into the "Zen" thing, but the "Zen master" in the story makes a good point. We don't always see the big picture. Everyday circumstances play a part in more than just the everyday. Sure, you may get what you want now, but at what cost in the end? We just don't know.

That may sound depressing when thinking about something "good" that you experience, that it may have a "bad something" to follow...and possibly even be caused by it. It's comforting, though, to consider how the bad things can work for good, too.

Ultimately, the movie concludes with victory over the Soviets, but things get held up when funding is cut for building schools. They mention that (and I don't remember the exact numbers)about 50% of the population is under the age of fourteen. By not following through and helping rebuild, we may have seriously dropped the ball.

As Charles Wilson put it:

"These things happened. They were glorious and they changed the world...and then we f---ed up the end game."

Sobering thoughts. A lesson in finishing what you've started, but we'll see.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Let's Dance" by David Bowie

Toot, toot...

2008-06-23T23:16:00.005-05:00

Whoo-weee! The creative juices are flowing tonight!

Ever just feel like your brain is racing a thousand miles an hour and your pancreas just can't keep up that kind of pace? Me neither, but I do feel excited at some of today's events. I even managed to pull myself away from a movie because I felt the urge to write a bit. (The Bucket List, for those who are curious.)

For those who do not know, I like to pretend that I can play the bass guitar. I am still pretty-much a beginner at the instrument, but I'm getting better. I play with the worship band at my church and have picked up some tips here or there. I suppose that I might someday even take a lesson.

I'm getting side-tracked, though...back to my point.

Tonight, I had an opportunity to get creative musically. A friend of mine wrote song and was playing it on his beautiful sounding twelve-string. As I was listening, I was singing along with the words on the page, trying to hear some harmonies in my head and think of a suitable bass line to accompany it. When he was done playing, he said, "You need to come up with a bass line for it, and we'll be good to go."

I hesistated not a second. I said, "Let's do it." I grabbed up a bass and we began to play. I didn't really know what I was doing, but I pulled out a few tricks from "Bass Guitar 101" and it worked! Not to toot my own horn, but I thought it sounded pretty good. It was all so very exciting.

When you hear "Let Us Not Forget" on the radio someday...that's Gary's song and I helped a bit.

I may not have done much, but it was more then I thought I was capable of doing. I guess you just never know until you try.

So give something a shot. You might suprise yourself.

In other news, 45 days until the Bears pre-season begins! I'll try to keep my naive, relentless, Bears-related optimism under control this year, but I can't make any promises. Let's just agree that they'll go undefeated and Mike Ditka will, in a suprise move, win the presidential election in a landslide.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Diverse City" by TobyMac

Settle down there, buddy...

2008-06-09T22:29:00.004-05:00

So I've had something on my mind a bit lately. A little over a week ago, I went to a baseball game. It was a local Schaumburg Flyers game. On the very first play of the game, a routine fly ball turned into an inside-the-park home run when the fielder turned his ankle trying to make the player. Later in the game, the Flyers tried to steal home plate.

Neither worked out too well for the home team, and neither had I ever seen in a ballgame before. How very exciting for me...(not so much for the Flyers.)

But that's not really what's been on my mind. I've been thinking about personal responsibility.

I can almost hear you now..."WHAT?"

Yeah, something pretty heavy.

Here's the rub (never realized that's Shakespere before):

There was a guy sitting in front of me who was behaving inappropriately for much of the game. He was sending out "creepy old dude" vibes that were off the charts. I think you know what I mean.

The thing is, he was otherwise very friendly. His leering and lewd remarks towards the young ladies in the stands, dancing on the field, and anywhere else he could see, however, was less so.

So where do you draw the line? I was conflicted between saying something to the guy and just minding my own business. I'd love to say that he wasn't hurting anyone, except that his young son seemed to look up to him and I worry about what type of values he's learning from the "role model."

Still is it any of my business? Do I have any right to get involved?

In the end, I did nothing, and it's bugged me a bit ever since. As a fellow blogger once put it:

"At what age does a person become immature? Who decides this? I really would like to know the difference between having a good time and making an ass out of yourself."

Was this guy just having a good time? In his mind, yes. To me? It was more the latter. But who is to decide?

I don't know where I'm going with this. Perhaps it's just that I'm getting older and noticing how behavior effects more than just the one acting out.

I guess the message is...

HEY! BEHAVE YOURSELF!

In lighter, happier news...the Lakers are down 2-0. GO CELTICS!!!

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Lakini's Juice" by Live

Hmm, I'll bet that burns...

2008-06-02T12:05:00.004-05:00

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words...

First of all, who are "they," anyway? Are "they" the Men in Black? Tommy Lee or Will? Are "they" a coalition of worldwide fashion designers like in Zoolander? Or are "they" some conglomerate from some other group of movies?

Most likely, "they" are none of the above. (Although I'm watching you, Tommy Lee Jones...I know you're up to something.)

Regardless of who "they" are, it is my belief that they have seriously underestimated the word value of a picture. Behold!

Amazing, no? I found that picture over here.

I'd say that picture's worth about one hundred billion, zillion, gafillion, words.

Even made up ones.

To sum it up in just one word, though:

AWESOME!

Happy monday!

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "The Silent Man" by Dream Theater

And knowing is half the battle...

2008-05-30T14:30:00.003-05:00

I had a conversation the other day about languages. After answering my phone in Korean, the caller started asking me about language. I said that I'm a pretty big fan a languages (English, especially, it is American, after all).

Way back in sixth grade, I took a summer school course on Russian. Couple that with two years of German in high school, and I realize that I've taken classes in three different languages, worked landscaping for seven years (picked up a little Spanish there), and learned some choice phrases in Korean from my sister-in-law. That's a lot of words. I love words. Although they can be dangerous...

I've been reading this hilarious book lately. Inspired by The Colbert Report (silent "t's"), I recently made a stop at the library and picked up Stephen Colbert's book, "I Am America (And So Can You!)"

It's quite funny, and today I just wanted to share one little passage about education and the emotional pain that it causes:

Let me ask you this: why were you happier when you were a kid?

Because you didn't KNOW anything.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

Don't believe me? By the time you finish reading this chapter, over a hundered dogs and cats in animal shelters around the nation will have been euthanized.

Bet you wish you could erase that knowledge. But it's too late. You learned a NEW IDEA, and it made you sad.

So you see...be careful what you learn.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "The Boxer" by Simon & Garfunkel

Actually, it's a titanium-gold alloy...

2008-05-27T23:13:00.003-05:00

Mmm...how 'bout that Memorial Day Weekend? I love me some mondays off, but it always makes tuesdays feel like mondays, and (therefore) wednesdays become tuesdays, etc.

Personally, I think that the only fair way to bring balance to the calendar would be to get the whole week off instead of just the one day, ya know?

Over the weekend, I made my way to the local cineplex and caught two more movies. On saturday afternoon, I went to see the latest installment of the Indiana Jones saga. It was not so great. I could probably rant and rave about what I disliked about the movie, but I think that the battery on my laptop would go dead before I finished, since it only has two hours of life left in it. Let's just say that I prefer fewer gophers, fighting monkeys, aliens, and nuke-proof refrigerators in my pulp-style movies.

Seriously, it's been 19 years since Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was released. 19 years...and this is the story that prompted the Lucas/Spielberg dynamic duo to make another story with our favorite whip-wielding hero. I think the movie featured a little too much Lucas and not enough Spielberg. The plot wandered more than a wide-eyed kid at a Toys 'R Us.

I mean...monkeys? Really? How do you make monkeys uncool? MONKEYS!!! That's on par with making lame pirates, ninjas, or pirate-ninjas.

So yeah, I didn't care for it too much. When I got to the theater and had to decide between Indy and Iron Man, I flipped a quarter to make the choice. It came up tails/Indy. Bad quarter, bad!!! I left the quarter on the counter at the theater to be rid of its curse when I purchased my ticket for Iron Man immediately after seeing Indy. I needed to see something good to cleanse the taste of Indy from my palette.

I feel a little bad for whomever picked up that cursed quarter...they probably thought it was their lucky day. Too bad it was UNluck.

Iron Man, on the other hand, was awesome. I won't say more than to just go see it. You'll find yourself smiling the whole time. Who knew that a glorified fire extinguisher could have such a hilarious personality? Go see it.

So on my Spartan Scale, I'll give Iron Man 24 Spartans. Indy? 244 Spartans. (Yes, it was more than ten times worse than Iron Man.)

Did I mention to go see Iron Man?

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Jessica" by The Allman Brothers Band

Pregnancy and other shenanigans...

2008-05-22T00:43:00.005-05:00

So I just finished watching "Juno" for the (I believe) fourth time. I must say...I LOVE THIS MOVIE!

Everytime I watch it, I think that I love it even more. For those of you who don't know, "Juno" is a movie that is mostly about a teenage girl who gets pregnant. Sounds hilarious, right?

The movie, while being funny, doesn't make light of the situation, though. Juno is a confident young girl who has that aura of "untouchability" about her. Nothing phases Juno. She's always equipped with a sharp retort to anything anyone says to her. When this life-changing event happens to her, she tries to keep up her "tough girl" persona. Eventually, it gets to her, though, and she lets it effect her, as it should.

I think that's one of the things that I like most about this movie. Things change. At the beginning, most of the characters seem pretty stereotypical and one-dimensional, as Juno (a teenage girl) sees them. She's the spunky girl. Her step-mom, Brenda, is over-bearing. Her father, Mac, is focused on his work. Mark is the "cool guy" who watches horror movies and plays a guitar. Vanessa is an obsessive neat-freak and controlling wife. Paulie Bleeker is a geek. This is the world as Juno sees it and how we, as viewers, are shown her little world at the beginning.

As the movie progresses, though, every character actually develops. Brenda shows herself to be caring and sacrificial. Mac gets very involved in the adoption process and has some very good conversations with Juno. Bleeker stays a geek pretty much, but is shown to be very caring. Mark ends up being afraid to move forward with his life. Vanessa has been burned in the past, and ends up being very genuine. Juno lets her situation effect her.

Everyone changes...and that's just it. Life's events change people. Sure, it seems like an obvious message, but we don't really see it too often in movies. It's refreshing.

I suppose that there's one exception, though. Juno's best friend Leah is an idiot and remains an idiot throughout the movie. She does, however, say that she loves Woody Allen, which is hilarious in the context of the movie. So I forgive her.

I think my favorite scene in the movie, though, is when Juno is telling her parents about the pregnancy. After breaking the news and talking for a bit, her father says, "Junebug, I always thought that you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when."

She pauses for a minute, letting the thought sink in, and replies, "I don't know what kind of girl I am."

It's about growing up and how we continue to grow up, even when we get older.

All in all, great movie with sharp dialogue and an unbelievable soundtrack. I'll likely listen to it all day tomorrow now. Just catchy music that sticks in your head. (Except for that "Vampire" song...that one's awful.)

And you better believe that I'm figuring out how to play that "Anyone Else But You" song...(It's just two chords, really.)

So on The Spartan Scale, I think I give "Juno" 7 Spartans. It's just that good. Check it out if you haven't already.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Tragic Comic" by Extreme

Ebert and Roeper got nothin' on me...

2008-05-19T23:32:00.003-05:00

So I've been thinking more and more about what to do with this blog. Sure, it's a handy way for me to expound upon the frivolous thoughts that come and go through my head, but how can I make it more interesting? How can I make it be somewhat useful to you, the reader, who clearly is looking to kill a few minutes?

I've decided that I'll offer up a bit of a service occasionally. No, don't worry, it'll be free of charge. What I'm offering you isn't all that valuable, but it just may save you some time, sanity, or even save your life. (Not likely, though.)

I've decided that I'm going to, every now and then, write up some movie reviews. I love movies. Good movies, bad movies, just-so-long-as-they're-not-forgettable-movies...I enjoy them all in their own way. I suppose it's the escapist in me who just wants to slip away from my chaos-riddled brain and focus on something that is, so completely, not me.

Before I do this, however, I need to explain how I rate movies. Some people will give a movie between zero and five stars. Some refer to a number of "thumbs up" or "thumbs down." Rottentomatoes.com gives a percentage of positive reviews and calls them either "fresh" or "rotten."

I've got something better. (At least, I like it, anyway.)

My system was developed after seeing the epic pseudo-historical movie "300." Many people loved and doted upon the greatness of this movie. It made a killing at the box office. Sure, it had lots of action (blood) and fighting. However, I also felt it had lots of boredom-producing moments.

For starters, dude...what's with all the slow-motion? Every time an "action" scene was about to begin, the rock music kicked in and things slowed to a crawl so that we could see copious amounts of blood spurts as people were slain left and right. This carries on for the entire movie. I'm pretty convinced that if the movie had not had so much slow motion in it, it would've been five minutes long, and probably much more enjoyable, to boot.

Next, the yelling was an issue. Nobody just speaks in this movie. Everyone yells. All the time. Ok, so I exaggerate a bit, but it certainly felt that way. We get your point. You're a big, angry warrior. We don't need to hear you yelling "SPAARRRTTTAAA!!!!" every five minutes.

All in all, the movie was just not a pleasant experience. Former roommate and current Italian Nick said it best when we finished watching the movie as the over-the-top rock music played and the credits began to roll:

"Man, even the credits are annoying."

Well said, Nick. Well said.

It's not all negative, though. Remember how I said "300" helped develop my movie rating system? (You should, it was just a few paragraphs ago.) I've lately rated movies by, what I affectionately call, The Spartan Scale.

Here's how it works. I hated "300." So on The Spartan Scale, it gets a score of 300 Spartans. 300 Spartans = As bad as the movie "300." Movies that are worse than "300" will get more Spartans on The Spartan Scale. Better movies will get less. (It's like golf scores or the number of times you stub your toe...lower numbers are better.)

For instance, "Borat," one of my least favorite movies, I've rated at 500 Spartans. (My worst rating ever.) "Bio-Dome" comes in at #2 on my worst list and scores 490 Spartans. "Fight Club" nets 8 Spartans, because it is so awesome.

Make sense? Sure, it's not a perfect system, but I like it and think it's quite funny.

And you know there are certain factors that can influence the Spartan Scale. If a movie features Bruce Campbell...that's minus 20 Spartans right off the top. Tom Arnold? Add 20 Spartans.

You get the idea.

So there you have it. That's The Spartan Scale. I think it's awesome. I give it 6 Spartans.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Hard Sun" by Eddie Vedder

This looks like a job for me...

2008-05-17T21:37:00.004-05:00

"...nobody wants to see Marshall no more, they want Shady...I'm chopped liver."

Ah, words from that great and noble poet, Eminem, or Marshall Mathers, if you're nasty.

All that to say, guess who's back...back again!

I'd love to say that I used this time away from the blog wisely...that I accomplished such and such and conquered several small nations. That is not, however, the case. (Watch out though, Republic of Malta, I've got my eye on you.) Life carries on (as it usually does) much as it used to. I am now, though, thirty years old. As such, I'd like to think that I've grown up some, even if only a little bit.

To that end, I bring forth the following topic. Integrity. What is it? Why does it matter? How can integrity help me conquer small nations?

For starters, let's take a look at the definition of the word:

Dictionary.com (a favorite site of mine) lists three main definitions for "integrity"
1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.
3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.

While definition #2 may come in handy when establishing my dominion over Malta (later to be renamed Rob's Republic of Awesome), and definition #3 is good to understand for inevitable space travel (my shuttle better have plenty o' integrity), I believe that the "integrity" the I'm referring to is more in line with definition #1.

Moral and ethical principles. Sounds fun, right? I know that when I go to a party, the first person that I look for is the one with solid moral and ethical principles.

No?

Ok, so integrity isn't the most fun topic in the world, but it definitely matters. In today's world, most people are only interested in results. The ends justify the means.

Is that the way it ought to be, though? Should the ends, however they are found, really make up for what is lost in the method used to find them?

I'm proposing no. While it may not matter in each and every circumstance, integrity helps shape and mold you in a way that tells other people that you are trustworthy and honest. If we focus more on relationships, integrity will matter more and more.

Where am I going with this? I'm not really even sure. What I do know is that in the past week or so, my integrity has been challenged on many, many levels. I'd like to think that I handled things relatively well in most cases. In some of those cases, though, I know I fell short.

Fortunately, I know that part of integrity comes from perseverance. So it's time to press on.

So, how have you been? Miss me? (Feels good to write again.)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Like a Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan

To the moon, Alice...(or not)

2007-09-17T22:12:00.000-05:00

So I was going to write up something deep and meaningful today about the relationships in my life and how I have such a great group of friends...

Then this story came along. Sure, it may not be heart-felt, warm, and fuzzy, but it is, in a word, AWESOME!

Take a look:

Public to decide fate of Bonds' record-breaking ball
By MARCUS WOHLSEN, Associated Press WriterSeptember 17, 2007

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- The fate of Barry Bonds' record-breaking home run ball is now in the public's hands after its buyer announced Monday he was taking votes on whether to give the ball to the Hall of Fame, brand it with an asterisk or blast it into space.
Fashion designer Marc Ecko revealed himself as Saturday's winning bidder in the online auction for the ball that Bonds hit last month to break Hank Aaron's record of 755 home runs. The final selling price for No. 756 was $752,467, well above most predictions.
Ecko had not even taken possession of the ball before setting up a Web site that lets visitors vote on which of the three outcomes they think the ball most deserves. He plans to announce the final tally after voting ends Sept. 25.

"I bought this baseball to democratize the debate over what to do with it," Ecko wrote on the Web site. "The idea that some of the best athletes in the country are forced to decide between being competitive and staying natural is troubling."

The 35-year-old Ecko is known for his pop culture pranks, including an infamous Internet video that showed him apparently infiltrating an airport tarmac and spray-painting graffiti on Air Force One. The incident turned out to be a hoax.

But the auction house that handled the sale confirmed that Ecko is indeed the ball's buyer.
"This transaction is happening and is going to be done by the end of the day," David Kohler, president of SCP Auctions, said Monday.

Kohler called Ecko's decision "brilliant" and said he had already visited the Web site and voted to send the ball to the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, N.Y.
Matt Murphy, a 21-year-old student and construction supervisor from New York, emerged from a scrum with the ball on Aug. 7. He decided to sell it, he said, because he couldn't afford the tax bill that would result from holding onto the ball.

Some tax experts said Murphy would have owed hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxes based on a reasonable estimate of the ball's value even if he had never sold it. He may also have faced capital gains taxes as the ball gained value.

"This either makes him a lunatic or a genius, one of those two," Murphy said when told of Ecko's actions. "I'm leaning toward genius."

Murphy said he planned to vote to send the ball to Cooperstown.

Ecko himself said he voted to brand the ball with an asterisk, a reference to the belief of some Bonds detractors that the Giants slugger's record is tainted by his alleged use of performance-enhancing substances. Bonds has denied knowingly using performance-enhancing drugs.
Ecko said what really interests him is seeing what happens when an "American Idol" approach comes together with a serious public debate over drugs in sports.

"My vote really doesn't matter," said Ecko, who identifies himself as a New York Yankess fan. "The American public will tell us what to do with it."

On the Web:
Vote 756 here!

I think that's brilliant! For the record, I voted for the asterisk to be branded on the ball.

Four times.

Maybe they'll put an asterisk next to the poll results, too.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Old Time Rock & Roll" by Bob Seger

Well, I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob...

2007-09-13T11:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, no comment is necessary...check out this news story:

Skip work, make babies, governor says
By James Kilner

ULYANOVSK, Russia (Reuters) - The governor of a central Russian province urged couples to skip work Wednesday and make love instead to help boost Russia's low birth-rate.

And if a woman gives birth in exactly nine months time -- on Russia's national day on June 12 -- she will qualify for a prize, perhaps even winning a new home.

"It's normally something for the home -- a fridge or a television set," Yelena Yakovleva at the Ulyanovsk regional administration press office, said.

"It doesn't matter if it's a girl or a boy."

Newly-weds Karina and Anton Bukhanovsky walked hand in hand down the main street of the regional capital of Ulyanovsk. They live in St Petersburg but traveled to Ulyanovsk to soak up the atmosphere Wednesday.

"I used to live here," said Karina, aged 19.

"We plan to come back on the same day next year and try for a baby and the prize nine months later," she said.

Anton, aged 21, kissed her gently on the cheek and they strolled off arm in arm.

Regional governor Sergei Morozov told employers to contribute to a Kremlin campaign to boost the birth rate by giving couples Wednesday off to have sex.

Russia wants to reverse a trend in which the population is shrinking by about 700,000 people a year as births fail to outpace a high death rate boosted by AIDS, alcoholism and suicide.

This is the third year Ulyanovsk region, famous as the birthplace of Soviet state founder Vladimir Lenin, has dedicated a day to encouraging couples to produce more babies.

Prizes will extend equally to unwed women who produce children on the right day, though the biggest prizes will go to married couples.

On Russia Day this year, a family won a jeep after their fourth baby was born on the holiday.

Next year, the top prizes will include an apartment, Morozov told Reuters. "We need more people," he said.

This year a record 78 babies were born on June 12 at the main hospital in the regional capital of Ulyanovsk, beating the 2006 total of 26, said chief doctor Andrei Malykh.

"The scheme is working. People want the prizes," he said.

There's a joke in there somewhere...I'm sure of it. I think I'll just go with this one:

"Peter. What's happening...yeah, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and stay home from work September 12th..."

Put that in your TPS report.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "The Ocean" by Led Zeppelin

Grr...argh...

2007-09-11T21:58:00.000-05:00

Irony...sometimes it's subtle. Other times it's like the proverbial bull in a china shop...

It was six years ago that the twin towers in New York fell after the brutal, brutal terrorist attack. Tonight, on CNN they were doing a little tribute to that fateful day to help remember the events of that day. All in all, a noble gesture.

What wasn't so noble, however, was the news crawl that was making its way across the bottom of the tv screen. While images of the collapsing buildings filled most of the screen, the news on the bottom was informing me that Kayne West is blaming MTV for Britney Spears's recent poor performance on Video Music Awards.

I sat staring at the tv in disbelief. How could they let this go on? As the two complete opposite ends of the news spectrum shared screen time, I just got angry. Why are Kayne West's comments on Britney Spears and MTV newsworthy? What difference does it make? Ordinarily, it's easy enough to just ignore such a thing, but when it was on screen up against the most defining moment of our generation, it just stood out as a horrible hypocrisy. It felt like a joke that might air during an episode of The Soup. I couldn't believe it was really happening.

Ugh...so frustrating.

Anyway, I guess the lesson to be learned from this is to try to remember the things that matter...

Or at least ignore the other stuff.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "More to Life" by Stacie Orrico

Not the Tyrannosaurus sort...

2007-09-10T22:20:00.000-05:00

Ok, it has been a long, long time since I've found the energy and desire to write. Sometimes, though, you just have to stand up and defend something for which you feel strongly.

It was a football game oh-so-long ago that got me riled up to write, and so it is only fitting that football would end my six-week drought.

Rex.

Three little letters have caused a city to fight amongst itself. Sports columnists in the city are calling for Rex's head, and everyone seems to hate this guy. I, frankly, am tired of all the Rex-hate. Our beloved Bears have an amazing defense and a lot of talent on offense. It's a shame that poor Rex is drawing all of the attention. I can't imagine the pressure he's got to be under. Thankfully, the Tank Johnson and Devin Hester off-season circus drew some of the attention away from Rex, but until flashy #23 does something out there, I think that all of the angry, judging eyes will continue to be on Rex.

How about a little support for our QB? I mean, do we have a better option? Is Brian Griese supposed to be some sort of savior? Can Kyle Orton bring back the neck-beard and lead this team?

The answer is clearly "no." Rex is capable of making big plays. Remember last season after the first six weeks? There was talk of Rex being an MVP candidate. Sure, I know that he's no MVP, but he's clearly our best option and can make the big plays.

Up against a tough Charagers team, he struggled a bit, but he really didn't have a bad game. If not for a bad bounce on a muffed punt, I think that the Bears could have won that game. Against the Chargers, no less. One of the best teams in the league. Let's see how things go this week against K.C.

So even if no one else is saying it (other than Lovie "Rex is our guy" Smith), Rex has my support. I hope that he can find that guy from the first half of last season and quiet the many, many critics. Go get 'em, Rex!

Besides...it could be worse. We could have this guy throwing for us:

(remember that dodgeball footage I spoke of oh-so-long ago? Yeah, that's it. Sorry, Kevin.)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Dead" by My Chemical Romance

They probably learned that trick from Bill Clinton...

2007-07-24T10:05:00.000-05:00

So as I was flipping through the channels on the television last night, I made a bizarre discovery. I came to channel 40, American Movie Classics (AMC, for short) and a movie was just beginning. It featured a leather-clad Halle Berry prancing about fighting crime like a cat.

Yes, Catwoman was part of the lineup on the American Movie Classics channel...

Catwoman.

An American Movie Classic?

I figured that it must just be a fluke, an anomaly. Checking the schedule for the channel today I see that Hard To Kill, starring Steven Seagal, is on tonight. I'm sorry, but the only classic thing that Seagal has ever done is make mediocre (at best) movies while squinting. Seriously, I wonder if he can even see where he's going most of the time. And don't worry, if you miss the airing of Hard To Kill tonight, they're replaying it again tomorrow afternoon.

I wanted to look into this station a little more, so I visited their website. I discovered something a little unusual. Nowhere on the website do they refer to the station as American Movie Classics. It's only called "AMC." Perhaps someone there wised-up to the "un-classic-ness" of its current state and figured they should drop the full name in favor of the less specific, more forgiving abbreviation.

That opens up a whole new slew of crappy movies to the programming schedule. I guess the trick is just to redefine the terms when the present ones don't suit your current needs. Sure, it may be the cheap way out, but what could be more classically American?

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Trapped in the Drive-Thru" by Weird Al Yankovic (It's National Drive-Thru Day Today!)

Watch out for that wrench...

2007-07-23T19:25:00.000-05:00

With all this time away from the blog, there's so much that I could talk about here. I could focus on that crazy decree from the Pope, the fact that this new movie "Who's Your Caddy?" is likely a sign of the apocalypse, Prison Break becoming my latest addiction, or the ongoing saga of Michael Vick.

Lately I've had something slightly more hilarious on my mind: Dodgeball.

On saturday I watched my roommates and a bunch of friends participate in the National Outdoor Dodgeball Championships. I would've liked to play, but I figured it'd be pretty embarrassing if I were to aggravate my injury and have to explain that to my boss.

As I have previously stated, seeing people get hit with things is very entertaining. When Steve went in to sign up the team, he said that the park district employee warned him that the game wasn't just about throwing and catching, but there was a lot of strategy involved. Now, I had wondered how much strategy could really be involved. I figured the guy was all talk and just trying to fill up an empty bracket. I was wrong.

The first match that they competed in was against a group of guys who had obviously done this many, many times before. They even brought a radio with mp3 player with them and set it down on their side of the court so that they could have some pumping techno music to aid their dodgeballing efforts. (It gave me flashes to The Big Lebowski...) These guys (we dubbed them "The Swedes" due to their yellow and blue jerseys) steamrolled over our team knocking out all 6 competitors without losing any of their players. I found the whole thing hilarious as our team looked like the rookies that they were. If it was any consolation, though, our team had some amazing jerseys (white shirts with a big, red target on the front). The next match wasn't much better, as we lost again, only knocking out one player from the other team. It was looking to be a very long day.

When all was said and done, the good guys got their act together and started playing well. They ended up taking second place in the division by the end of the tournament, losing in the championship match to the aforementioned "Swedes." I've got some hilarious video footage from the day including one of the most errant throws ever caught on tape. It's possible that it's still sailing off course...

The funniest part about the dodgeball tournament, however, was the people. Some people took it so very, very seriously. I felt pretty sorry for the refs who were judging these events. They were constantly berated for the calls that they would make or not make. I guess that when things get competitive, it doesn't matter the source of the competition. People just hate losing.

Me? I'm pretty used to it.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Satisfaction" by Benny Benassi

Just keep your pants on, ok...

2007-07-11T13:25:00.000-05:00

Did you know that we're smack dab in the middle of Nude Recreation Week? Sounds fun, no? This would be a good time to take on the most extreme sport of all time...Naked Cactus Tackling. (I once gave that as an answer in a game of "Loaded Questions" to the question, "What is the most extreme sport?")

Anyway, I'm sure you can find your own way to celebrate.

Over the weekend I attended a wedding and came to a conclusion. No, it has nothing to do with love, marriage, or weddings. It is simply that Avril Lavigne's new hit is quite possibly the most obnoxious song ever recorded. The DJ at the reception played it at one point very loudly and it drove me up the wall. I don't have any point to this. It's just something that needed to be said.

So I'm sitting at home today enjoying the "I Love the 90's" marathon on VH1. Reliving things like Sir-Mix-Alot, Arrested Development, and Reservoir Dogs is just good fun. Why am I not at work, you ask? Well, it was not too long ago that I was diagnosed with hip bursitis. Turns out that was incorrect. I visited the orthopedic specialist yesterday to have a follow-up appointment. He promptly started poking and prodding at me, and said that there was "no way" that I had bursitis. The shooting pains and numbness in my left leg were much more consistent with sciatic nerve damage.

So that's what I now have, or at least now I know that is what it is. I suppose it is what I had all along, after all.

So I find myself out of work for 3-4 weeks now, once again taking full advantage of work's short-term disability program. I like to think that I am the BGC's version of Fred Taylor. Productive when healthy, but accident prone.

Still, I'm grateful, once again, that I work for a company that doesn't fire me for being so injury prone. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to stop celebrating and go put some clothes on.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Cantaloop" by US3

I think I may be falling apart...

2007-07-06T15:18:00.000-05:00

So in my most recent trip to the treatment center, I was diagnosed with something called "hip bursitis." Unfortunately, the "hip" that it refers to does not mean cool or stylish, it's referring to that area of the body in which the leg meets the torso. (Incidentally, isn't "torso" a fun word?)

Apparently, there are these things called "bursas" in the body that provide a cushioned gliding surface between body tissues. I've managed to damage one of them on my left side. When the doctor asked me if I've fallen or bumped my side lately, I recalled recent events in which I couldn't see where I was going and walked into a railing very hard, and the next day I slipped on a frisbee in a blacktop parking lot. I suddenly thought to myself, "My, my...I sound very clumsy."

So I find myself in a good deal of pain lately whenever I stay on my feet for any length of time. Additionally, I get the bonus of having my left leg numb up as well. This morning in the shower it got so bad that I had to just sit on the floor of the tub for a bit to recover. Fun times.

So yes, I've hurt my hip. If I wasn't feeling old enough before, I certainly am now. Fortunately I am surrounded by supportive, helpful people who wouldn't poke fun at me as I dreadfully approach the big 3-0. Oh wait...

So approach this weekend with caution. You could be next!

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Kiss" by Tom Jones

Nobody knows...the trouble I've seen...

2007-07-03T13:16:00.000-05:00

I wasn't really sure what to write about today, but I just received (from a very reliable source) a little story that I thought was rather amusing. I'd like to entitle it:

"Now THAT's thinking outside of the box...or cell (in this case.)"

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was early spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

That's pretty resourceful, no? Kudos to Vinnie for finding a way to get the job done in spite of his incarceration.

Now if we could only get the rest of those lazy criminals in prison to do likewise...

Have a great 4th, peoples! Don't lose any fingers...

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Beautiful World" by Collin Hay

Careful, I think it's up to something...

2007-07-02T12:49:00.000-05:00

Simple. Over the weekend I was thinking about simplicity a bit. I think that when it comes down to it, I am a pretty simple man. I have simple pleasures, simple tastes, and many people would argue that I am rather simple-minded.

I'd like to think that's not necessarily a bad thing. It is because of this simplicity that I find the following clip so absolutely hilarious. It comes from some Japanese game show, and the more I watch it the funnier it becomes. Take a look:

And as if that wasn't funny enough, take a look at what someone with a little creative editing skills was able to accomplish:

hehehe...

I figure that I must be simple to enjoy that so much. And if you find it as hilarious as I do, you just might be simple, too. (With a minimal amount of searching, you can find all sorts of variations of that clip...try searching for dramatic squirrel and you'll see.)

Anyway, I suppose I'm just enjoying the simple things today, like the fact that the sun is shining and the temperature is nearly perfect. Perhaps you can take a little joy in something simple today as well.

Or at least get a chuckle from that shifty eyed varmint.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Simple Lessons" by Candlebox

I hear that kilts are mighty comfortable...

2007-06-26T09:48:00.000-05:00

"Aye, fight and you may die, run, and you'll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!"

So Paris Hilton has been freed from jail. I figure she can relate to ol' William Wallace now.

No?

Yeah, you're right.

I'm a little confused why this is such a big deal. Rumor has it that some networks were ready to pay her $1 million to get the first post-jail interview. When sanity returned, however, they dropped the offers and tomorrow night she will speak to Larry King for free. How very fortunate for Larry.

As for me, I'm through thinking upon the spoiled heiress. No more will I talk, rant, or write anything about her, unless it has to do with the fact that her recording of "Stars Are Blind" was actually halfway decent. I'd encourage you to do the same.

Then, from her nonsense, we'll all have our own "freedom."

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's

You're not an ordinary fella...

2007-06-22T09:42:00.000-05:00

Oi...what a day yesterday. Was too busy to find time to write, but that's ok. You forgive me, right?

So I flipped open my little calendar to see if today's "holiday" would inspire me in some sort of way. It marked today as "Stupid Guy Thing Day."

It's as if it was watching my life last night...

The other day I spoke of Dance, Dance, Revolution (DDR). Well, last night a buddy of mine came over and brought it with him. It didn't take long to get completely wrapped up in the game, and soon there were a bunch of grown men (ok, that's arguable) competing on this game and talking trash like we were outside playing ball or something. At one point it got so competitive that one player was calling out the other one, "Dude, don't bounce when there's no arrows! That's distracting!"

It...was...AWESOME!

Ordinarilly, I'm not so competitive and I think that getting so wrapped up in a game is a little weird. Last night, however, I saw how truly hilarious it can be.

So is that a "Stupid Guy Thing?" It might be, but the clincher was deciding (after 2:00 a.m.) that we should go out for burritos, only to find that Tapatios was closed.

Ridiculous.

Yet totally fun.

Which I think perfectly sums up "Stupid Guy Thing Day."

So do something ridiculous, yet totally fun, today. You owe it to your inner stupid guy. (For those of you who aren't a stupid guy on the outside as well.)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Good Intentions" by Toad the Wet Sprocket

Rob Van Winkle was so cool...

2007-06-20T09:44:00.000-05:00

So last night a little something happened that may have changed the course of my life forever...

I finally played Guitar Hero!

Oh my gosh! What an amazing game! It was so fun to rock out to tunes like Cherry Pie, Rock This Town, Monkey Wrench, etc... If Josh hadn't kicked me out of his place I'm pretty sure I'd still be rocking out right now.

Of course, I am now torn between the passions of trying to become a true Guitar Hero or a Dance Master (Dance Dance Revolution). A man divided between two such passions will surely fail to achieve either, right? It's a tough decision, and I fully intend to waffle between the two. For the record, I think that DDR still might be more fun, but the fact that Guitar Hero doesn't leave you a sweaty, smelly mess when you are done is a pretty big plus.

It's only a matter of time until these two powerhouse rockin' games are combined into one uber-game in which you must dance and jam at the same time. It's probably on that day, my friends, that Jack Black will probably be named president of the world and the world will rock as never before.

Speaking of rocking as never before (and hopefully never again), here's a video clip of Vanilla Ice and some Ninja Turtles getting their groove on! Go ninja, go ninja, go! (This song came on last sunday while I was at Jimmy John's having lunch. True story!)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "In My Place" by Coldplay

I think that Vegas has the buffalo as an 8-1 favorite...

2007-06-19T10:45:00.000-05:00

Ok, first, I'd like to apologize for "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." I love that I lucked my way into linking that song to the site for yesterday's little musing, but I don't know how to have it not automatically play. So odds are strong that it started playing again while you're looking at this, and you'll just have to scroll down and pause it. I'll look at the code a bit and see if I can change it, but that's rather doubtful, since I have no idea what I'm doing...(I think it worked!)(No, it didn't, and I'm giving up on trying to figure it out, so I've altered the settings so that only one "musing" shows at a time. That should help.)

Ok, today I'd like to share another little video clip that my dad sent my way. It's an amazing display of the "family" instinct that exists even in nature. I'll preface this by saying that the little buffalo survives. So while you might be tempted to stop watching and wince occasionally, stick it out. It's not gruesome, I promise. The video is about 8 minutes long, and if you watch through to the end it's totally worth the time spent.

Check it out:

King of the jungle? I guess not always.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Free" by VAST

Oh, fiddlesticks...

2007-06-18T13:08:00.000-05:00

Welcome to just another manic monday, folks. However, this monday is not like other mondays. No. Those other mondays pale in comparison to this monday, for today kicks off National Fiddlers Week!

Naturally, it leads me to think of The Charlie Daniel's Band playing "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." Great song.

Kind of a strange song, though. If I understand it correctly, the devil was behind in his "soul collecting" and decided that trying to strike up a deal over a fiddle contest in Georgia would help him meet his quota.

Now, don't get me wrong, but there's got to be a better way, no? You'd think he could just plop in for a visit in the audience at a showing of The View and there'd be more souls than he could handle right there.

Still, the devil decided to square off against our young protagonist, Johnny, in a fiddling contest. Johnny fiddles his booty off and wins, putting the devil in his place, even swearing at him, before claiming a golden fiddle as his reward and taunting him with a possible rematch.

Then the lyrics go on to make no sense whatsoever...

Wouldn't a golden fiddle be too heavy too play, anyway?

So what's my point? None. Just wanted an excuse to try and link you to the song: (This might not work, I haven't tried it before.)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Waiting for Tonight" by Jennifer Lopez (I like tacos and burritos!)

Hmm, usually the blood gets off on the third floor...

2007-06-15T14:26:00.000-05:00

So as I was coming back from my Lunch Break: Extended Edition today (absolutely killer mexican buffet at La Magdelena's on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays...if you're ever in the area) I heard a familiar tune on the radio.

It was Peter Gabriel's classic, "Solsbury Hill."

Most songs that I hear trigger some sort of memory or emotion. This one has a pretty funny connection. Whenever I hear this little ditty, I think of a video that I saw on the internet.

This video, to be precise:

Now, for any of you who have seen The Shining, you know that trailer doesn't really give you a good idea of what the movie is really like. It's actually quite creepy, not the light-hearted little romp that is presented so cleverly there.

I guess it's all a matter of perspective. Looking at things slightly skewed can drastically change the what you see. Sometimes even making it less frightening. Give it a shot!

Have a great weekend!

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Rebirthing" by Skillet

Now there's a frood who knows where his towel is...

2007-06-14T10:33:00.000-05:00

So some ancient dead dude (likely Socrates) once said, "Know thyself - and thou shall know all the mysteries of the gods and of the universe. "

Hmm, interesting. Having read The Hitchhiker's Guide, I already know that the answer to The Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything is "42."

Still, I'm rather certain that I don't completely know "myself."

But I'm still learning. For example, I learned last night that when it comes down to it, I simply find the lure of lists irresistible.

Given the opportunity to go to bed at a decent hour, I found that my extra time was commandeered by the television. You see, on Comcast Sports Channel (home of your Chicago Bulls, Blackhawks, Cubs, and Sox) was counting down the Top 50 Best Damn Unforgettable Plays in Sports. It was crazy! I found myself glued to the set awaiting amazing play after amazing play. (For the record, the Cal-Stanford/Band play was #1, beating out poor Buckner.)

And as if that weren't enough, as that show ended at midnight, a new list was just beginning over on VH1 (home of bad reality television and Behind the Music specials). They were counting down the top 40 Most Awesomely Bad Break-Up Songs. From the moment that list kicked off with "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler, I was hooked again. For two hours I watched and listened to awful song after awful song while comedians riffed on the ridiculous lyrics. ("Toni Braxton wants me to unbreak her heart and uncry these tears...Toni, that's UNpossilbe!") The list wrapped up at 2:00 a.m. with the ultimate in Awesomely Badness, Milli Vanilli.

Did anyone realize that "Blame it On the Rain" was a break-up song?

You can blame it on the rain
Cause the rain don't mind
And the rain don't care
You gotta blame it on something

Anyway, that's beside the point, this is supposed to be about me learning about myself, right?

So what is it about a countdown that is so irresistible? I'm not certain, but for some reason I just can't ignore them. Perhaps it's a matter of trying to guess what should be on the list. Perhaps it's the fun of the inevitable discussions that follow such a list. Perhaps I just need to get out more...

Probably that last one.

Too bad there was no VH1 around for Socrates...next time that Bill and Ted kidnap him, they should bring him to 2007.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Red Red Wine" by UB40

Mmm, caramelicious...

2007-06-05T10:39:00.000-05:00

I've just finished downing my third caramel frappuccino this morning...I feel slightly jumpy. I could probably dominate a game of whack-a-mole right now.

Over the weekend, I learned that there are actually a few people who still read this little blog. Believe it or not, that's encouraging. I'm not really sure why I even do this. It started off as a way to vent a bit and express what I was feeling or share something I had learned. It didn't take long to develop into generic randomness, though, where it seems to be stuck now.

Another thing that I learned this weekend is that when a little child grabs you by the hand and asks you a question, you simply have to say, "Yes."

What is it about kids that drops people's guard and makes us happy? Maybe we just catch a glimpse of innocence and want to help foster it before it is lost forever to "growing up." (Although we all know that kids aren't necessarily "innocent.") The ravages of time wear away at the simple happiness that is present in kids. When they're not screaming, yelling, or crying, that is.

Still, as I skipped through the church building holding hands with this little child I couldn't help but be filled with joy, no matter that we went outside in the drizzling rain to look at a balloon. For some reason, it just seemed right.

Perhaps if we took a few minutes each day to just simplify and look at the world through the eyes of a child, we could all find little "joy moments" like that. Give it a shot.

Or, failing that, pound a few frappuccinos. That'll get you going, too.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "The Water Buffalo Song" by Superchick (originally a Veggie Tales tune...keeping with the "kids" theme of the day.)

Let's just put some happy little trees over here...

2007-05-31T10:20:00.000-05:00

Today marks National What You Think Upon Grows Day. It makes me tempted to really try and think upon a time machine to see if one will just uproot itself from the ground. That'd be pretty sweet.

Actually, though, it reminded me of a little something I read in the book of Philippians:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

So think some happy thoughts today. They just might sprout into full-blown joy.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Viva Las Vegas" by ZZ Top (I like this version best, and welcome home, Steve.)

You might get to rock...

2007-05-30T13:04:00.000-05:00

Oi, rough night for sleeping. For some reason, I just could not get to sleep last night. Maybe it was the heat, maybe I'm stressed out, maybe it's because things didn't go "just so" during the test run of the "outdoor theater" last night. One thing is for sure though...

It's not because I just got my Scrubs season five dvds!

Last night before cashing in I watched a couple of episodes of comedic brilliance, including "My Half-Acre," better known as the air-band episode.

So for your viewing pleasure, check out these clips, and just try not to smile.

Go ahead...rock out with no instrument in sight. You know you want to...

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Hey Hey" by Eric Clapton

A priest, a rabbi, and person with his foot in his mouth walk into a bar...

2007-05-29T11:06:00.000-05:00

Tempus fugit - time flies (also a rockin' tune from Yes.)

A frenzy of activity here, a frenzy of activity there, a frenzy of activity everywhere. I've been very busy and just haven't found the time or desire to write lately. Seeing as last week was National Etitquette Week, it only seems appropriate that I wouldn't chime in here, anyway. What do I know? Still, so much has happened over the last two weeks, I'm not even sure where to begin now...

I think that I might be growing as a person...(no, not just getting fatter.)

Allow me to explain...

I was discussing "comedy" last night with a friend. We both tended to agree that all great comedy has to have some degree of tragedy or uncomfortableness associated with it. Sure, seeing someone fall down or get hit with something will always be funny. That's physical comedy and has immediate payoff. There's another, darker, type of comedy that I truly appreciate, though. It has a tendancy to make you uncomfortable at first, but the more you think about it the funnier it becomes. That's where the comedy goldmine really resides, for my money.

It's not for everybody, though. Some people really don't like that "uncomfortable" humor. Being able to tell when making an off-color joke is "ok" is a skill that I'm still developing. For instance, a little while back a perfect situation presented itself for me to make such a joke. It popped into my head and I thought, "Oh, this is a gimmee. If you're going to get set up like this you've got to swing, right? It's a sure-fire home run." But it wasn't. It would've been a little inappropriate and I managed to keep my mouth shut for once. For once...

See, though? That's growth, right? Don't get me wrong, I still put my foot in my mouth so much that I'm actually getting used to the taste of the soles of my shoes. (Not so good. I should probably layer them with some sort of sweetner.) With just a moment or two of thinking I can recall at least four occasions in the last day or two in which I did just that.

Still, though, like Dr. Leo Marvin said to Bob Wiley (I'M SAILING!!!), it's all about baby steps. Baby steps out the door. Baby steps on to the elevator. Baby steps to keeping my foot out of my mouth. Baby steps to personal growth.

Of course, Dr. Leo Marvin ended up flipping out and wound up in a mental hospital. Hmm...

So, with a "comedy" focus today, I think I'll offer you a good, clean joke:

A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

Hope y'all had a great Memorial Day!

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Dosed" by Red Hot Chili Peppers

(cough) Ahem...

2007-05-16T14:50:00.000-05:00

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

...

Tension breaker.

Had to be done.

That is all.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Breathe" by Disturbed

It's no Michigan J. Frog...

2007-05-14T14:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes there just aren't enough words...

Watch and be confused.

Although...I think I need some Skittles. Hmm, maybe they're on to something.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson

Here kitty, kitty, kitty...

2007-05-11T15:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know that I’ve been rather infrequent, at best, with my random little musings recently. A thousand apologies to anyone who actually cares. Lately, however, on this road of life I feel like I’ve been careening from one place to another. Maybe it’s the excessive workload I’ve been dealt. Maybe it’s the unbelievable collapse of the Bulls. Maybe it’s something that you, oh reader, have done. (Just kidding.) For some reason, lately, I just haven’t been my usual exuberant, whimsical self. I’m sure it’ll turn around.

I was thinking about “secrets” a bit today and the phrase came to mind how when a secret is found out how some refer to it as “letting the cat out of the bag.”

What does “letting the cat out of the bag” have to do with revealing a secret?

Letting the cat out of the bag…

Think about it for a bit. Are you having the same realization that I had? Apparently at some point in time people kept cats in bags for some reason, and it’s safe to assume that the cats were not too pleased with their captivity and became riled up. At some point, those cats had to be let out of the bag.

It’s pretty easy to imagine what happened when those cats when the realized their newfound freedom. I’m sure that they bit, scratched, and clawed at whatever they could find when they got out, wreaking much havoc.

And someone (a brilliant someone, no doubt) recognized this and turned “letting the cat out of the bag” into an allegory for the revelation of a secret, no doubt a secret that had some consequences at the time.

Of course, doing a little bit of research I find that the origin of the phrase is likely linked to older times at the market. Apparently, one trick that sellers in the market used was to put a cat into a bag and sell it off to buyers under the impression that they were getting a pig. Smart consumers would always open the bag to ensure that they were getting what they were paying for. It was all an attempt to defraud the buyer, as cats were not nearly as valuable as pigs. (Mmm…bacon.)

Personally, I like my explanation better.

All this to say, I love the English language. You should too. It’s really quite hilarious when you think about it, and that’s no secret.

Have a great weekend!

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “With A Little Help From My Friends” by Joe Cocker (Wonder Years Theme)

Where's MJ when we need him...

2007-05-07T22:34:00.000-05:00

I’d like to take a minute to talk about media bias. No, no, no…I’m not talking about anything political. I’m talking about the radio broadcast for the Chicago Bulls.

After youth group tonight, I quickly got out to my car to race home (observing all posted speed limits, of course). I turned on the radio and tuned in to 105.9 to hear how my beloved Bulls were faring against the top seed in the East. Neil Funk (awesome name, gotta love the Funk) and Bill Wennington (I once saw him at a Subway!) give a very spirited broadcast, but it can be a little misleading. Let me break it down how I was caught up to how the Bulls were doing…

One of the first things I heard as I tuned in was a monster block by Tyrus Thomas. The Bulls ran the other way with the ball and Thabo “Snuffleufflegus” Sefolosha got an open look in the corner. He missed the shot and it was described thusly:

“Oh, that could have been a dagger!”

The Pistons gained the rebound and were able to score at their end. The announcers announced that it was now a 15 point lead. I thought to myself, “Wow. The Bulls have a big lead. Great!”

The Bulls then got the ball back and scored again. It was said that they were on a little bit of a run and could take some momentum into game three and could be putting Detroit “on the ropes.”

Sounds like a Bulls’ lead, no? Needless to say, but I’m saying it anyway, when they finally announced the score I was very disappointed to hear that my Bulls were not doing well at all.

It seems that they were more than just a little bit biased in how they were reporting what was going on in the game. Their enthusiasm and excitement for their home team made what they were saying very misleading.

So what’s the point? I suppose there’s the obvious issue of being sure of your words and not let your emotions be more prevalent than the fact, but where’s the fun in that? As for me, I’ll take the blatant hyperbole everytime. Anyone can give the facts, but give me someone who can make even a Bulls big-time collapse sound fun.

That kind of hyperbole is better than a thousand Renaissances combined with a ninja-pirate raid on Hollywood.

With bumper cars.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Harlem’s Nocturne” by Alicia Keys

Don't do it, Spiderman! Don't...

2007-05-04T11:40:00.000-05:00

Yawn…stretch…midnight showings of movies make me sleepy.

Last night I headed out to the theater and saw the latest Spiderman movie. It was pretty good. There was probably more crying and musical numbers in the movie than I would have preferred, but Bruce Campbell played the ultimate French waiter. I think the movie felt like a collection of good moments, some even great, but as a whole it just didn’t flow together too well. Not a bad movie, but probably the weakest of the series.

Still, there’s a sequence midway through the movie that is just bizarre. I imagine many people will hate it, but I think it was rather funny. It doesn’t really seem to “fit” with the style of the rest of the movie, but you can’t deny the funny of it.

I suppose I have to give it 3 stars, and it’s loads better than the latest installment of Superman.

Now, it’s naptime. Have a great weekend, and watch out for falling meteorites.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Ordinary” by Train

Kilroy was here...

2007-05-03T16:12:00.000-05:00

So as I was working the other day, a song came on my dPod, as it typically does. I continued working and rocking out just a bit as I really listened to the words of this song for, perhaps, the first time. The song? "Mr. Roboto" by Styx.

Ok…the part that caught my ear was when he sang, “Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto, for doing the jobs that nobody wants to.” I asked myself…

Is this a song written to robots that do menial tasks?

So today I looked into it. Here’s what I found:

“The song tells part of the fictitious story of Robert Orin Charles Kilroy (ROCK), in the rock opera Kilroy Was Here. The song is sung by Kilroy (as played by keyboardist Dennis DeYoung), a rock and roll performer who was placed in a futuristic prison for "rock and roll misfits" by the anti-rock-and-roll group the Majority for Musical Morality (MMM) and its founder Dr. Everett Righteous (played by guitarist James Young). He escapes the prison by overtaking a Roboto prison guard and hiding inside the emptied-out metal shell. The Roboto is a model robot which does menial jobs in the prison. The song may be understood as Kilroy's dedication to the robot that, through being sacrificed in such a way, allowed Kilroy to escape the prison.”

As Hurley would say, “Uh, dude?”

So once again, here’s to imagination! Even when it’s just weird…

No, especially when it’s just weird.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Remedy” by Black Crowes

Of course he can outrun Superman...

2007-05-02T15:55:00.000-05:00

I often wish that life would imitate the movies more. I love the movies. I like good movies. I like bad movies. The only movies that I really can’t find a way to enjoy are the utterly forgettable movies...movies that offer nothing good, nothing bad…nothing worth remembering. It doesn’t take much. Just give me one good scene, one good location, one good hero, or one good villain.

So it is with a little bit of surprising sadness that I bring you this news (of which you’ve probably already heard):

Rosie O’Donnell has announced that she will be leaving “The View.”

Now, it may shock and disturb you that I said “with sadness” that I bring this news. You’re right to be shocked, disturbed, angry, and possibly a little hungry. Rosie and “The View” are two of my least favorite things in this world. Go ahead and look back over some of the things I’ve written and they surely make appearances in a negative fashion periodically. Maybe even as much as Dr. Cox rips on Hugh Jackman. (Doubtful.)

So anyway, why am I sad? Well, like I said about life imitating movies, “The View” with Rosie made for a powerful duo of villainy. Every time that Rosie opened her mouth and said something outrageous, she supplied heroes all over the world with something to combat. She regularly brought forth the drama. She’s going to have to find a new irritating platform from which she can be heard.

And what about “The View?” In Rosie’s absence, who will rise up and provide a common enemy for which the forces of good can unite? Some say it might be Whoopi Goldberg. Other rumors have Roseann Barr filling the ample sized seat.

I don’t know who it will be, but one thing is for certain…”The View” is still 100% pure evil.

Someone better call The Flash.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Mississippi Queen” by Mountain

Einstein should have bought a fedora...

2007-05-01T22:20:00.000-05:00

So I recently read a quote that got me thinking a little bit. (Just a little bit. Don't worry, I didn't hurt myself.) The quote went a little something like this:

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited by what is...imagination is boundless."

That may not be an exact quote, but it's pretty close. (I can't find where I read it earlier...sue me.) Anyway, what makes that quote more interesting is knowing who said it...

Albert Einstein.

Yes, the man who brought us the theory of relativity and confused beginning physics students everywhere embraced the importance of the imagination.

That got me to thinking about another great thinker: Bill Watterson. Sure, he may not be as well known as "Big Al" but he has brought something into the world that has done a wonderful job displaying the wonders of the imagination: Calvin and Hobbes.

I've spent a lifetime enjoying that amazing cartoon so I thought I'd share the strip that inspired my email address. Take a look:

Beautiful stuff, no? It almost brings a tear to my eye...

So let your imagination run wild! Let it run as wild as good ol' Einstein's hair.

(Yeah, I decided to try playing around with pictures a bit...)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Did You Feel the Mountains Tremble" by Deleriou5

It's like this and like that and like this and uh...

2007-04-30T11:07:00.000-05:00

“Where’s the sunshine, Rob?”

I was asked this question a couple of times over the past few weeks in which I felt the need to take a break from this thing. A little time off was needed to recharge my batteries and give this another go. So here we are…whether you like it or not.

Something really strange is happening right now as I type. I’m listening to an interview with sweet old lady on the radio. Her name is Beverly Broadus Green. The interesting thing about this lady (or at least one interesting thing, I’m sure she’s fabulous) is that she is the mother of Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr., better known to the world as Snoop Dogg. (Yes, the one and only D O double G.)

It’s just odd to think that Snoop comes from somewhere…and that they still care about him and his ghetto-licious ways.

Less odd than that, however, is that our beloved Bulls swept the reigning champions of the NBA, the Miami Crybabies…er, I mean Heat. Yesterday’s game was exciting to watch as it stayed pretty tight up until the very end when the Heat fell apart faster than a game of Jenga being played by three year olds. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a collapse. After the way the Heat played those last three minutes, they should seriously consider changing their name to the Miami Tepid. As a professed “Dwayne Wade Hater,” this was just too sweet.

I find my enthusiasm building rapidly for the “Baby Bulls.” In fact, we can probably toss the “baby” part of that little moniker. As Vince Vaughn would have said in Swingers, "They’s all growns up!" This team is looking better and more focused with every game and I’m really psyched for this upcoming series with Detroit, although I’m a little disappointed that we’re not meeting them in the conference championship due to the bizarre new seeding system the NBA has decided to implement. Still, the Bulls look to have one of the toughest roads to the title, so there will be no doubt when they win. That ought to have us all feeling bright and shiny.

So there…there’s your sunshine. Bask in it. Bask in it like a snake on some hot pavement. (Ok, so my analogies are a little rusty…give it some time.)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Right Now” by Van Halen

What a nice fellow...

2007-04-17T13:27:00.000-05:00

It’s official…I miss my Mustang. These last two days have been rather beautiful outside and it has led me to miss cruising around with the top down of that ol’ 1990 Mustang 5.0 LX convertible with some good tunage blasting out of the tiny subs in the trunk.

Ah, good times…it never really even mattered where I was going in that car. Just driving it was a pleasure. Still, I don’t really miss the gallon of gasoline that it consumed every eight miles while driving. While it was a fun car to drive, it certainly was not efficient and would be costing me a small fortune with the current gas prices.

Does it seem like the world is getting ruder? Most of the time it really does feel that way. I was even having a discussion last night about the youth of this country and how they’re getting bolder and are willing to mouth off to just about anyone. It seems like it wasn’t an issue as much in the past. Kids who mouthed off got smacked around and learned to keep their traps shut.

Anyway, today a story came to my attention that suggests a little bit of the opposite and it’s good for a laugh. Check out the manners on this burglar:

ALTAMONTE SPRINGS, Florida (AP) -- A gunman robbing a convenience store allowed the clerk to call 911 and apologized after the woman said she might be having a heart attack. But he still took $30 and cigarettes, authorities said.

The masked man entered the Kangaroo Express store early Saturday in this Orlando suburb and pointed what appeared to be a semiautomatic handgun at 60-year-old clerk Mary Parker, according to surveillance audio/video released Thursday. He demanded access to the safe, but she said she didn't have the keys.

He told her to empty the cash register into a bag. He then pulled up a stool for her to sit down and told her he was doing this because no one would hire him and he had bills to pay.

She started hyperventilating and pleaded with the gunman for help.

"I have heart trouble. Help me," Parker said.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," the gunman replied.

"I have heart trouble," Parker told him.

"Ma'am, it's going to be all right," the gunman said.

"I'm probably going to have a heart attack," Parker said.

"Oh my, ma'am, please do not have a heart attack. Please do not have a heart attack. Please don't, ma'am," he said.

The gunman let Parker call 911, and when the store phone didn't work, he let her get her cell phone. She told the operator she was having a heart attack, but didn't mention the robber. She then sat back down on the stool.

A customer came in and, without seeing the gunman, tried to calm Parker. She handed him the phone, and he spoke to the 911 operator.

The gunman then reappeared and told the man to get into the beverage cooler.

He then grabbed his loot and apologized again.

"You have a good day. I'm sorry this had to happen. I'm sorry. God!" he moaned. He then went out the door.

Police said Parker is OK.

Sounds like progress to me, or at least a step towards progress.

Enjoy that sun! (Thanks for bringing it back, Frank!)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

Man, that goalie is pissed...

2007-04-13T11:29:00.001-05:00

Boo! It’s Friday the 13th. Don’t be scared. It’s just another day. (Happy 29th, Nat!) In fact, because it is the first Friday the 13th of the year, it’s a special day…

Back in 1982, a woman in Michigan had a run of bad luck. Her alarm clock did not go off as it was supposed to (or so she claims) and as a result she was late to just about everything all day long. She kept telling people throughout the day that her alarm clock didn’t go off and it didn’t take long for her to realize that excuse wasn’t cutting it. Consequently, she started making things up and blaming anything and everything that should could for all of her shortcomings of the day.

It seemed to be working.

That day? Yeah, it was a Friday the 13th also. So it was back on that first Friday the 13th in 1982 that Anne Moeller came up with the idea for a new national holiday:

Blame Someone Else Day. (The first Friday the 13th of every year.)

So how ‘bout that? Anything goes wrong today…just shift the blame. You were late to work? Just say that you had to save that busload of orphans from going off a bridge. No one can blame you this day.

Just remember that while you’re shifting blame away from yourself, other people are free to shift from themselves on to you.

It’s really a vicious cycle.

And if you’re not happy about it…hey, don’t blame me.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls

Like you're so tough...

2007-04-12T18:16:00.001-05:00

It’s been documented that I’m rather scared of dolls. (They freak me out, man!) I may have something new to add to the list…

As I headed out of work and passed by the dumpster to unload some trash, I received quite a startle. Apparently, a little squirrel was in the dumpster near where I threw my garbage. It was not pleased at my attempt to discard my waste.

I did not know that squirrels could screech like that… It cried out in anger towards me like a spoiled child and leapt out of the dumpster, causing me to scream like a little girl. Sure, it wasn’t a strong moment for me, but I gathered myself, quickly looked around the parking lot to see if anyone saw or heard me, and then proceeded to strut my way to my car since no one was around…(score one for me!)

It was actually a little invigorating. It was a long, rough day at work and I was dragging as I left the building. The little “scare” helped wake me up a bit just in time to struggle through traffic on Golf Road.

So maybe getting scared is an “ok” thing every now and then. It can serve a good purpose…on occasion.

So long as there’s no dolls involved…
Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "You Got What I Need" by Biz Marky

Oh the weather outside is frightful...

2007-04-11T16:20:00.000-05:00

So Hate Week has now come and gone, and today we move forward into the blissful time afterward with…snow?

Aren’t we in mid-April now? (Yes, yes we are.) As I struggled through traffic this morning I couldn’t help but wonder why everyone seemed to forget how to drive in this weather. It wasn’t that long ago when it was like this on a day-in day-out basis. For some reason, however, people in the northwest suburbs of Chicago panicked at the sight of the soft, fluffy, white snow falling from the sky and hit the brakes. Travel times skyrocketed and traffic reporters were gleeful as they had something to talk about again. Oh well, I guess it’s good that someone gets some enjoyment out of the snow.

In other news, the father of Anna-Nicole Smith’s baby was identified…and I’m already tired of hearing about it.

Happy wednesday, peoples!

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Coming to America" by Neil Diamond

What's in the box...

2007-04-09T13:02:00.000-05:00

I hope that your Easter weekend found you well. Other than a shot to the gut from the sleep-deprivation fairy, I’d have to say that it went pretty well in my neck of the woods. (How do woods have necks, anyway?)

Day #6 of Hate Week has arrived (it’s almost over…) and today my agitation is centered on…well, not being sure what to write about right now.

Yeah, I think that’ll do.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Bust A Move" by Young M.C.

Fahrenheit 41...

2007-04-06T15:54:00.000-05:00

Day #3 of Hate Week...I hate broken furnaces. We learned last night that the furnace at Primrose was broken. When I awoke in the morning, the thermostat read 41 degrees. Yikes. Fortunately, thanks a little known hero (like Hiro from Heroes or Dwight Schruut from The Office, great episode last night...) named Dave the heat has returned to Primrose and we're almost back up to 60 degrees at this point.

And there was much rejoicing. (Yay!)

In the news of the bizarre, here's a little tidbit from this blog's favorite lunatic, Michael Jackson:

Apparently, Michael (Miss Jackson if you're nasty) would like a giant, 50-foot tall robot replica of himself to be built in the Las Vegas desert to roam about and welcome incoming planes. He's even interested in making the robot capable of shooting laser beams out of its eyes.

...

I'll just let that sink in for a second...

Just when you think he can't get any crazier, here's this idea. Seriously, doesn't this sound like the beginning of a bad sci-fi movie? Eventually the robot gets hit by lightning and goes on a crazy killing spree. Eventually Godzilla shows up and kills the robotic Jackson before returning to rest in the sea.

Crazy...

So it's Good Friday today. Go ahead and get your church on this weekend.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "I Will Call" by Among Thorns

You should familiarize yourself with the elephants first, dude...

2007-04-05T11:01:00.000-05:00

Carrying on with day #2 of Hate Week, I'd like to mention that I hate the fact that they've replaced the Mountain Dew in our work vending machine with Diet Barq's Root Beer. What a shame...

Today I'd like to draw your attention to a fellow named Matt. Matt is an ordinary fellow from Australia who loves video games. He even mananged to score a job making video games. After a while, though, he grew tired of this profession and decided he wanted to see the world. In an effort to keep his friends and family attuned to where he was going and what he was doing, he took along a video camera and began recording himself dancing in the various locations around the globe that he was visiting.

What started out as a small, fun project got noticed by Stride, makers of the ridiculously long lasting gum. The people at Stride contacted Matt saying, "We like what you're doing. We want to help you."

Behold!

You can read more about Matt there and see his videos as he dances all over the world, it's really very cool. I defy any of you to not have your spirits lifted as you watch...it's impossible.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "Candy Everybody Wants" by 10,000 Maniacs

And, of course, Hugh Jackman...

2007-04-04T11:57:00.000-05:00

National Hate Week…why does such a period of time exist? Is it a time to vent? Are we really supposed to express hate during this week? I mean, just look at the word:

Hate (v.) to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest.

So as I did a little digging into “Hate Week,” I discovered it’s not real at all. It’s from George Orwell’s novel 1984. The general effect behind Hate Week was to rally the people in a way so that they “would unquestionably have torn [captured enemy soldiers] to pieces” if given the opportunity.

Yowsa. Sounds like a ”fun” read.

Anyway, seeing that April 4th-10th is Hate Week on the calendar, I thought I’d spend a little time sharing something that has been the subject of my hate lately:

Bad advertising.

Every time that I see a bad commercial I begin to question whether or not I should have studied advertising and be producing commercials. The idea that someone, actually many people, get paid to come up with, direct, and produce these ads is absurd.

I hate to pick on you, Burger King, but I’m afraid you’ve been slipping lately. While I loved the bizarre commercials featuring that dude in the giant King costume, your newest ad turns my heart more sour than a lemonhead dunked in liquid sorrow. If you don’t know the commercial I am referring to, it’s a recent ad in which a man is taking a bath and says to his wife, “Hey, guess who I am…Spongebob No Pants,” as he stands up from his sudsy bath and is covered in bubbles.

He then just gives her this look as if to say, “Gee…look how clever I am.”

Bad, Burger King, bad! (Whaps BK on the nose with the rolled up newspaper of good taste.)

This commercial just rubs me the wrong way, but I suppose that they say bad publicity is still better than no publicity. Maybe I just don’t get it…

Man, if Orwell only ever really knew what evils the future would hold…

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “In the Ghetto” by Elvis Presley

Hail to the king, baby...

2007-04-03T14:54:00.000-05:00

Firstly, a gold star for Kent in lieu of bonus points…(There, now no more crying!)

Today marks a wonderful, wonderful moment. No, I’m not referring to the fact that it is the birthday of the man that brought us such film gems as Dr. Doolittle II, The Nutty Professor, and Norbit: Eddie Murphy. (Still, he gave us The Golden Child, so I should cut him some slack.) While it may be “Donkey’s” birthday, that’s not the subject of my current excitement. I’m referring to the fact that today we (finally) finished taking inventory at work. It has been the source of my tiredness lately and the reason I wanted to take some time off from the writing that you little monkeys seem to enjoy for some reason. Anyway, inventory took much, much too long, but nobody, at any point, resorted to cannibalism, so there was much rejoicing. (Yay!)

It’s been a very, very busy few days, but I’ve managed to learn a few things in the process:

1) When working ridiculously long hours, it’s very important to have a good breakfast, and Richard Walkers’ apple pancakes are great.
2) Integrity matters.
3) There’s not a power in the ‘verse that can keep Kaylee from being cheerful. (Ok, so I already knew that one…but it never hurts to be reminded. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you’re needin’ to get yourself some Firefly.)

But about that integrity…

Last night at youth group, we were looking in chapter 20 of Proverbs and noticed that “integrity” seemed to be a theme throughout the chapter. One verse spoke of a king whose throne was being upheld by “steadfast love and faithfulness.” I think that’s a great vision of integrity right there. Here you have this king, who rules over his people. (It’s good to be the king.) He doesn’t have to be “nice.” He’s the king. Yet when he rules with “steadfast love and faithfulness,” his people respond and “uphold” the throne.

That seems to be a pretty good indication of integrity, no? How you treat people when you don’t need to treat them at all mirrors the attitude of your heart.

So how does your reflection look?

On a completely unrelated note…tomorrow kicks off National Hate Week.

Oh boy…

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Wonderful Life” by Gwen Stefani

And here's my wife, Mogan Fairchild! Yes, that's the ticket...

2007-03-29T22:10:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I said I wasn’t going to write any more this week, but then you all had to go and cry about it, so here I am, ready to feed your habit. Or maybe I’m just a compulsive liar. (Bonus points to people who aren’t named Kent who recognize the title of today’s column.)

The truth is that I find myself feeling, as they said in Patch Adams, “excessively happy” tonight. And before you even ask, no, I am not on Valium. It’s just been a goofy kind of night and I have heard a few catchy tunes that have given me the urge to sing a bit. (No, I’m not a singer, but if you hum a few bars I can fake it.)

So my thoughts have turned musical. I just want…I just want to sing. (No, no…stop that! Stop that!) I thought I’d throw out a list of songs that I think would be hysterical to hear done as karaoke. Here they are…the top five songs I’d love to hear sung by someone who has no serious vocal talent!

5) “Chop Suey!” by System of a Down (Come on, who can resist a song that has fast-whispering and contains an exclamation point in the title?)
4) “She Bangs” by William Hung (Ricky Martin who?)
3) “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips (Harold and Kumar forever changed this song for me.)
2) ”Beyond the Sea” by Bobby Darrin (Anybody can pull off this crooner. And it’s a fun one to sing. I know I’ve been guilty of belting it out while in the car.)

And #1) “Yellow Ledbetter” by Pearl Jam (Seriously, you can’t understand a word that Eddie is saying in this song.)

So search for that song in your heart, find your melody, or some other musical sounding cliché. Life just seems happier with a little background music, and that’s no lie.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Seven Nation Army” by The White Stripes

Nell Carter says "Gimme a Break"...

2007-03-28T20:05:00.000-06:00

Due to some craziness of schedule, the blog will be taking the rest of the week off.

Feel free to visit others in my absence. I won't get jealous...much.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: "No More No Less" by Collective Soul

Oh, be careful little mouth what you say...

2007-03-27T00:38:00.000-06:00

Obvious: (adj.) easily seen, recognized, or understood; open to view or knowledge; evident.

So I took a little flak this weekend for using this little word “obviously.” It was in church on Sunday when a few of us were discussing some stuff upon which we did not all agree. So when I stated my case and said, “Well, obviously….” Others took some offense to it.

What’s the big deal? So perhaps I didn’t have all my facts straight and may have been a little bit wrong. Yet throwing out that simple, little adverb changed my idea from a simple point of view into a pompous, arrogant one.

I realized my error pretty quickly, which (naturally) led me to start throwing the word around with even less care. I was declaring that everything was “obviously” correct as the way I see it just to stick it to those who were part of the discussion.

There was a lesson to be learned, for sure. Be careful what you say. The bible says in Matthew chapter 12 that “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”

Yikes.

Obviously, I need to work on that.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Leave You Far Behind” by Lunatic Calm

The Hatter is MAD...

2007-03-26T00:12:00.000-06:00

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, dear Roberto. Happy birthday to me.

Yeah, it’s my birthday, along with celebrities Keira Knightley, Amy Smart, and George Lin. (Ok, so George isn’t a celebrity…yet.)

Take a moment to celebrate on my behalf, and as a gift to myself for turning the big 2-9 I am choosing not to write any more today.

And a very merry un-birthday to you.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Build Me Up Buttercup” by Herman’s Hermits

Party on, bandito-style...

2007-03-23T07:59:00.001-06:00

WOO HOO! It’s spring break time for a lot of people…and this story has a man who knows how to celebrate!

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese man angry that a new apartment building put his house in the shade was arrested after shooting about a dozen bullets at it with a competition rifle.

Police said the man apparently fired at the 11-storey building, which was completed last October, from a window on the third floor of his house, a distance of roughly 164 feet.

"He felt the building management didn't take a sincere attitude toward his complaints that the building was keeping sunlight from reaching his house," a police spokesman in the western city of Kyoto said.

Nobody was injured in the shootings but walls, railings and two lights on the apartment building were damaged.

Seriously, though, those railings had it coming…just sitting there with that smug look on their faces…

People are crazy, and God bless them for it. It gives me a reason to laugh.

Enjoy your weekend, and spring break, peoples!

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Listen to the Rain” by Evanescence

007 373 5963...

2007-03-22T00:29:00.000-06:00

If there’s a better way to kick off International Goof-Off Day than three guys staying up all night playing Mike Tyson’s Punch Out on the original Nintendo, I haven’t figured it out…

I think I’m learning a little something about perseverance. We’ve been fighting Mr. Tyson over and over and over again, and he’s repeatedly kicking our butts.

We’ve reached that bargaining stage now…”Ok, first person to knock him down gets a burrito.”

This is too good.

As they said in Galaxy Quest…

NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER SURRENDER!

At least nobody’s lost an ear yet. Gotta go. It’s my turn.

Happy Thursday!

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson” by DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince

Despite "The Producers," it's not just for Hitler...

2007-03-21T00:08:00.000-06:00

Woo hoo! It's the first day of Spring!

Ahh, spring…the time of year when a young man’s fancy turns to, well, I don’t remember. You see, I’m beginning to feel like I’m not so much a young man anymore, what with the persistent injuries and the fact that I’m almost 29.

But hey, it’s springtime! It’s time for the sun to make its glorious return and make the outdoors pleasant again. I, for one, can’t wait for a chance to get out to play a little disc golf again, back spasms permitting. (I know, I know…give it time. I’ve heard it from everyone by now: I’m an idiot for rushing back to the basketball court.)

But looking ahead at the weather report, I’m seeing a lot of rain in the forecast. I suppose that’s the flipside of spring, isn’t it? It’s either rain or shine. What does the weatherman know, though? (Coincidentally, the movie “The Weatherman” is really depressing and boring.)

Ready for the application? Here it comes…it’s through the rain that nature is nurtured and brings forth the great beauty that we all get to appreciate. Sure, we don’t care for the rain so much, but it brings forth joy in the after effects.

Much like nature, in life we must bear through the “rainy” days in order to experience the great “beauty and sunshine.” Sometimes it is only through some suffering that we can grow enough to reach new peaks of joy. Through a little sacrifice can come much happiness.

So enjoy the rain, knowing what will follow.

And then enjoy the sun.

Then it doesn’t even matter how wrong the weatherman was.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera

Well, I guess he was ok in True Lies...

2007-03-20T12:08:00.000-06:00

Confusion: (n.) disorder; tumult; upheaval; chaos.

Life has been finding me a little confused lately. I feel like I am juggling too many things at once and am rather frenetic. For some reason, as I started to think about the word “confusion,” I decided to look up everyone’s favorite Chinese philosopher, Confucius. (Hey, they sound similar, so sue me.)

I was led to a quote from him that seems incredibly poignant at this moment. Take a gander at this little doozie:

“Life is really simple, but men insist on making it complicated.”

It’s got me thinking, in another very hippy-sounding moment…SIMPLIFY, MAN!!!

Seriously, though, when you’ve got a bit of obsessive compulsiveness in you, as I’m pretty sure that I do, (the fact that I have dictionary.com as a “favorite” in my internet explorer is a solid indicator) perhaps one just needs to remove some of the life obstacles that aren’t really necessary.

We worry so much about many things that don’t really matter, and it only adds to our stress and confusion.

For instance, as I sit here and watch the Conan O’Brien show before going to bed, Tom Arnold is coming out as the next guest. Seems like a natural place to start some “life-obstacle removal.”

Tom Arnold…[shudder!]

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Chantilly Lace” by The Big Bopper

I bet Fred Taylor and I could be best buddies...

2007-03-19T14:55:00.000-06:00

So Sunday came and went, and I started thinking to myself, “I’m feeling pretty good. I think I may play basketball tonight. I had even found my old basketball shoes that I thought I had lost. All signs are pointing to a successful return to the courts at Calvary.”

Remember that back injury I had? Yeah, turns out it wasn’t quite done healing yet. Less than five minutes in to the first game, I find myself feeling an all-to-familiar “ping” in the muscles of my back. Unlike like the commercials for Southwest Airlines where people get super-excited over the “ping,” I knew right away that this “ping” was not of the good variety.

Like an idiot, I finished playing in that first game, but just gave a half-hearted effort throughout it. Since I’m normally only playing at about 75% as it is, it makes it more like a 37.5% hearted effort. I made my way to the sidelines and began to fume about my own idiocy.

It was at that point that I had a very interesting discussion about whether or not Godzilla could defeat Superman. (I’ll not spoil you with the outcome, but let’s just say it didn’t go so well for the man in tights.)

Anyway, I got to realizing, WHY AM I SO DUMB???!!! This was much, much too soon to try and return to playing ball after a debilitating back injury, and I was a fool to even attempt it.

As a result, I’ve spent much of today receiving shameful stares and disapproving shakes of the head from people who aren’t mad…just disappointed.

So today, I offer you these words of encouragement:

HEY! YOU’RE SMARTER THAN ROB!!!

Granted, for some…oh, who am I kidding…most, if not all, of you already knew that. Still, it’s good to hear it out loud. So maybe you can get somebody nearby to read it to you out loud. You could take turns. Sounds like a fun game.

You’re welcome.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Put Your Lights On” by Everlast with Santana

I can HEAR Jimmy...

2007-03-16T08:56:00.000-06:00

So, I recover from my wonderful back spasms and manage to work a whole two days before coming down with some nasty flu symptoms.

This stinks.

Currently, I lead my NCAA tournament pool, though. So I guess that’s good. And anytime that Duke loses it’s a good thing.

The other day I was asked, “What comes to mind when I mention ‘Dust in the Wind’?”

I promptly responded, “YOU’RE MY BOY, BLUE!” The funny thing is that after that the next item to pop in my head would be “All we are is dust in the wind, dude.” Bill and Ted were so deep. I’m sure that’s exactly what Kansas had in mind when they wrote the song.

It got me to thinking about how quickly hearing something can transport you instantly to someplace different in your mind. For instance, when I hear “My Hero” by the Foo Fighters I feel charged up to take on just about anything. If you’re driving in your car and you hear that guitar solo from “Freebird” you can’t help but speed up. I’m pretty sure that a little Enya will lower your blood pressure.

It’s amazing what effects music can induce.

Now, if only there were something I could listen to that would make this flu bug disappear…

Maybe “The Macarena” would work. That song scares anything away.

It’s probably not worth it though.

Let’s go Yellow Jackets!

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Moondance” by Van Morrison

Et tu, Brute? Beware the ides of March indeed...

2007-03-15T00:06:00.000-06:00

I thought I had a pretty positive idea for what I might write about for today. Then disaster struck in the form of a movie. I have always maintained that Bio-dome was my absolute least favorite movie. Today, a new champion arose to dethrone the Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin debacle as the biggest waste of my time that I so desperately wish I could have back. After seeing this movie, I was fuming.

Thursday afternoon I saw Borat: Cultural Learnings of blah blah blah ruin Rob’s brain.

Granted, amidst the 84 minutes of run time there may have been a total of three minutes that were a little funny, but the other 81 were not just unfunny, they were absolutely disgusting and offensive. Don’t get me wrong, I love me a little dark comedy too, but this movie absolutely went over the line. I would’ve turned it off early on, but I had heard from two different sources, who I used to think were reliable, that there was some REALLY funny stuff in it. So I waited it out, expecting the “funny” scene to present itself. When the credits finally rolled, I got on the phone and berated the aforementioned sources for a solid 15 minutes. I have never wanted something ripped from my brain so bad in all my life. (And I saw the Matrix sequels…)

If only that Haitian from Heroes could come make me forget those 84 minutes…

There was one scene, and if you’ve seen it you know exactly which one I’m talking about, that was way beyond disgusting. My buddy who I was watching the movie with had gotten up to go to the bathroom just before this scene had started. When he came back he said, “What did I miss?”

I was speechless. Literally. No words could depart from my lips. I’ll let this settle in for you for a minute. This is me we’re talking about. I pretty much always have something to say about anything, but for this moment I was frozen and I couldn’t muster up anything.

Ugh…so frustrating.

I suppose the lesson learned from this is that I should go with my instincts. Next time I think, “Gee, I think I should turn this off,” it’s getting turned off.

The other good thing is that I feel a little better after ranting a bit. I think I’d like to end on a positive note, though. So positively do not see this movie. Your brain says thank you.

Incidentally, fun episode of Lost, and Claire sure was a cutie as a brunette.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “The Promise” by When In Rome

I feel betrayed...

2007-03-14T00:07:00.001-06:00

Today marks one of the most misleading international holiday names out there. Today is International Pi Day. (I could really go for a slice of French Silk pie right now…well, not really. I just ate a delicious cinnamon roll.) The point is, it’s not that sort of pie. March 14 is International Pi Day, referring to the mathematical constant that is the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter in Euclidean geometry. (I have no idea what I even just said…)

So for those who care, here’s pi to 100 digits!!!

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679

Wow, wasn’t that fun?

What do you mean, “No?”

Ok, fine. Instead, I’ll leave you with a bad joke about pie:

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

I guess the lesson is to be happy with what you’ve got, even if it’s just some irrational real number, like pi. (Hey, it makes the engineers and math teachers happy…)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “99 Luftballoons” by Nena

You know what they say about all good things...

2007-03-13T11:52:00.000-06:00

It is with a daunting sadness that I begin to write for, you see, today marks the end of ten-day era. Today is the last day of my mini-retirement. Tomorrow it is back to the grind for me. My Valium-induced vacation has come to an end and it is time to once again work.

You can begin to feel sorry for me now. (Thanks…you’re the best.)

It’s been fun, and I’ve learned the following few truths about being home-ridden:
1) Daytime television is awful. There are no two ways about it. It is very possible the “The View” will bring forth the end of the world.
2) You can kiss your sleep schedule goodbye as you stay up later and later and periodically nap throughout the day.
3) As a final laugh from Murphy and his uncaring laws, the weather will become beautiful as soon as you return to work.

I suppose the important thing is that I was given a chance to recover and my workplace was very cooperative. So I feel very grateful the job that I have.

So take a minute today and be thankful for some of the little things that work in your favor. It makes the bigger things a little easier to handle.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Have It All” by Jeremy Kay

Insanity runs in my family; It practically gallops...

2007-03-12T10:41:00.000-06:00

Let’s take a minute to give it up for farmers. I believe it is their fault that we suffer through this daylight savings time nonsense. They don’t want to get up at 4:30 in the morning, so we tell them that it is 5:30 and it’s ok all of a sudden. On behalf of all of you who had to get up earlier than normal today I’d just like to say, “We want our hour back!”

And as an amusing little story for anyone who’s ever seen O, Brother, Where Art Thou? I had another “Rob’s brain runs off” moment. I went in for a haircut yesterday at Sportclips (and all they had on was women’s basketball…so disappointing) and fully entrusted the stylist, Donna, to do whatever she thought would look good with my hair. She gave me a cut and then began to style it, recommending that I use pomade on it instead of gel, mousse, or hairspray. I was instantly transported in my mind to a Walworth’s where I began to think, “I don’t want Fop, dangit! I’m a Dapper Dan man!” If you don’t know what that means, stop what you are doing and go watch O, Brother, Where Art Thou? You will not be sorry.

Ok…tangents aside…

This weekend marked a big event in my life. It marked a dynamic change in a relationship for me and someone special to me. It was a time in which I said those three little words that are so hard to say to someone so close to you. The words were tough to come by, but I managed to sputter them out:

“You were right.”

(Sorry, folks, it wasn’t those “other” three words.)

Let me just say that if you have the chance to see the classic movie, Arsenic and Old Lace, take it. Very, very funny movie. Sorry, Dad, that I didn’t listen to your recommendation for all those years. I’ll say it again…you were right. (See, now you’ve got it saved on your voice mail AND on the internet. Consider it an early birthday present…)

It got me to thinking a little bit about something we discussed in the 20-Somethings class (or as I like to call it, The Leftovers) at my church. We were discussing the idea of how to determine what kind of people do we listen to and learn from in our lives. We agreed that as a “younger” group we have a tendency to ignore those who are older than us when they try to give us advice. We say things like, “Things have changed,” or, “You don’t know what I’m going through.” We have a tendency to prefer to hear advice from our peers.

The truth of the matter is that we should listen to our elders. They have been there before us and generally want what is best for us. I know this now.

And all it took for me to finally get this was watching this old movie after a friend recommended it to me. Who knew?

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Land of Shame” by VAST

I think that my feelings would be best explained in a monologue...

2007-03-09T00:23:00.000-06:00

Ok, folks, buckle up. Today’s blog is about to get heavy.

But first, something embarrassing that I have to get off of my chest. The other day while flipping through channels, I came across Superstar, the movie. The movie is based off of the Saturday Night Live sketch that stars Molly Shannon as Mary Catherine Gallagher, a nervous catholic schoolgirl who, when she gets nervous, sticks her hands under her armpits and smells them like this. (You all know what I’m talking about, right? Please say you do.) Anyway, Will Ferrell is in the movie too, and that’s my excuse for why I didn’t immediately change the channel.

Don’t judge me.

Anyway, there was a line in the movie that was very, very funny, and also carried a pretty hefty message to it. Let me set up the scene for you. (Granted, I only saw part of this movie once, so I’m bound to some slight inaccuracies, but I’m not about to watch that movie again.)

There was this guy driving on his motorcycle heading out of town, attempting to flee from his problems. He was in love with Mary Catherine Gallagher, but her heart seemed to have been won by another man. As this guy cycled down the road, an image of “God” appeared on the road (played by Will Ferrell in full on robes and beard) and directed him to turn his bike around and go back to her. The man on the bike stopped and said to “God”, “But she’s in love with this other guy. Should I really go back to her? I don’t think she likes me.”

It was at this point that “God” said to him, “Are you serious? I’m frickin’ God. I appear to you in the middle of the road and tell you to go back and you’re not sure if it’s a good idea? You think that I’d lead you astray? Man, why did I create people so insecure?”

I’m sure that’s not exactly how the lines went, but you get the idea. Why are we insecure? Everyone is gifted and talented in certain ways, yet we are so unsure of ourselves and feel insecure when other people point out our weaknesses.

But do we need to feel insecure? It says in the book of Psalm 139:

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

You see, God created us to be exactly who he wanted us to be. There is no one else like you who’s been created for the purpose that you have been created. So it should be with great confidence that you live your life. It will not be easy, but you can toss those insecurities aside.

So live confidently. Sometimes it may even take seeing part of a ridiculous movie to help you get the point. In the end, you were created even for that.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “This World” by Caedmon’s Call

Only 50 more years until Mike Tyson pulls this stunt...

2007-03-08T16:22:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I encountered one of the strangest stories that I have ever heard. Apparently, two 90+ year-old men are due for a showdown in a boxing match:

91-Year-Old to Jack LaLanne: Let's Get It On

You probably know the fitness guru Jack LaLanne, the nonagenarian who pulls off crazy stunts like swimming 1.5 miles while towing 70 boats on his 70th birthday. But now let me introduce you to Roland Fortin, a 91-year-old former boxing cut man who is challenging LaLanne to a fight. Fortin is suggesting that a four-round boxing match between himself and LaLanne could establish once and for all the answer to the question that's been debated on barstools across the country: Who's the toughest guy in the country in the 90-plus age bracket? The challenge has been picked up by newspapers, ESPN mentioned it, and there's even talk that Don King could get involved. There's just one problem, as I see it. Fortin is 91 and LaLanne is 92. It seems to me, if you want to be among the toughest in the elderly set, you have to challenge someone younger than you. It's time for Fortin to pick on someone his own age.

I…just don’t even know what to say. Isn’t this just asking for trouble? How can two men over the age of ninety fight each other without someone getting killed?

What’s next? Will we find toddlers challenging each other to fights?

Actually, that sounds like it could be a hit show on FOX.

You heard it here first.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Tribute” by Tenacious D

Well, it is the last day of National Ghost Writers Week...

2007-03-07T13:25:00.000-06:00

I was going to say, “Sorry, but between today’s naps this blog has nothing to say today,” and not anything more.

Then I got to thinking about naps, and thought perhaps we could all learn a little something about what good napping does for us all.

So today I offer you the words of some other dude, regarding naps. Enjoy!

“The clichés linking naps to small children and the elderly, have been difficult to get rid of. Especially in the last few years where the myth further insisted that snoozing in the middle of the day was synonymous with being lazy. However today, it’s a scientifically proven fact: an afternoon nap is beneficial for our health and particularly for our intellectual abilities. In a recent study, researchers at NASA showed that a thirty to forty-minute power nap increased cognitive faculties by approximately 40%! Tests carried out on one thousand volunteers proved that those who continued working without rest, made lower scores in intelligence tests like the IQ test. More importantly, their capacities to work and memorize decreased in comparison to those who napped after lunch. In concordance with NASA’s work, biology students at Berkeley determined that the nap must be short in order to produce maximum effectiveness. Over forty five minutes, the beneficial effects of napping disappear and it is therefore suggested to take a fifteen to thirty five minute “power nap”. This is the time necessary for the organism to rest and enables brain neurons to recuperate. Airline pilots know this only too well: a twenty minute nap considerably reduces the risks of falling asleep at the controls in mid-flight. Catching a few ZZs helps fight drowziness following an intense period of concentration. If sleep specialists recommend a time slot between 1:00 p.m. and 2:30 p.m., in fact the best time to nap depends on the time you wake up. Depending on what line of work each individual has, a worker on a graveyard shift for example, should count 7 hours after the alarm clock goes off. Convinced of the positive effects of napping, some companies have established strict guidelines on this practice and are encouraging their employees to take naps. The significant results obtained included an enormous decrease in absenteeism, tardiness, and work-related stress”

So there you have it. Stop reading. Stop working. Go nap. You’ll be better for it.

I hear that Valium helps.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Marble Halls” by Enya (It sounds an awful lot like a lullaby.)

Bo knows video games...

2007-03-06T11:36:00.000-06:00

I feel like I’ve been forced on to ride a ridiculous roller coaster of emotions lately. First, there was anger at Lance Briggs for demanding to be traded from my beloved Bears. Next, there was confusion at my beloved Bears for trading away Thomas Jones for very little. Third, there was hunger. (I gotta eat.) Then, there was loopiness from the aforementioned Valium. And lastly, I’ve been confronted with a bit of nostalgia, but I’ll get to that later.

What’s up with my Bears? What have they done to upset Briggs so much? Those McCaskeys are trouble, I guess. If Briggs wants out so bad, and you’re going to deal Thomas Jones away (only to move up in the second round???) anyway, why not package the two of them to get someone who can make an impact. I do have a lot of faith in Cedric Benson’s ability to punish opposing defenses with his power running game, but the 1-2 punch of Jones and Benson was pretty lethal. Hopefully Adrian Petersen will prove to be a capable reserve.

But football aside, I’d like to take a moment to talk about nostalgia:

Nostalgia: a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

Nostalgia seems to be gaining in popularity. Sports teams have been wearing “throwback” jerseys in many of the major sports. We’ve been subjected to numerous movies that are simply remakes of old ones, or based off of old television programs. VH1 has given us numerous “I Love The (fill in your time period of choice)” shows.

For me, nostalgia reared its head in a different way. Since I am pretty much home bound for a while with my back injury, I’ve been looking for ways to keep myself entertained. I tried reading from my new book, The Illuminatus Trilogy, but my Valium has a tendency to cause me to doze off while reading. I realized last night that we have an X-Box in the house that nobody has used in a few years. We only have one game for it (Madden 2004), but I mentioned to my roommates that I may break it out this week to help pass the time. It was then that one of them mentioned, “You know…we’ve got a Nintendo downstairs that you could try to get working.”

My eyes lit up at the thought. Now, I should make it clear that I’m not talking about the new Nintendo Wii, the GameCube, The Nintendo 64, or even the Super Nintendo. What we have here is the original 8-bit machine that was introduced twenty-one and a half years ago. It was with great exhilaration that we began to connect it to the tv and try to play. Naturally, as any of you who ever played one of these machines remembers, the games don’t always work at first. You’ve got to blow in them to clean out the dust and wiggle them around until you can finally get them to work. This took a while, but before you know it, I had Contra playing in the machine and was pressing up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, select, start and Nick and I were off killing aliens with an abundance of extra lives.

It…was…awesome.

So nostalgia is a powerful thing. For a solid hour or two, I had given no thought to my back discomfort and was in a pretty happy state.

Almost made me forget about my Bears and their interesting moves of the day.

So remember something that used to make you smile today…it makes the pain of daily nuisances disappear.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Bust A Move” by Young MC

I feel so funky...

2007-03-05T11:17:00.000-06:00

Welcome back to the workweek. I hope the weekend found you well.

Over the weekend, I made a new friend. This friend is very good for me. Someone who knows what he is doing recommended this friend to me. This friend helps me to relax and just feel better all over. This friend is Valium.

Remember when I commented a while ago about back pain? Well, apparently it was worse than I thought. As the weekend wore on it got worse and worse. Yesterday morning, it became too hard to deal with the pain, so I went to the treatment center to get checked out. After sitting in the waiting room for approximately four eternities, I was allowed in to the smaller waiting room where they took my blood pressure and asked me a few questions. I was then banished back to the bigger waiting room again, where I was to wait for another six eternities before finally getting in to see an actual doctor. It was at this point I began having little flashbacks to episodes of Scrubs…

“Dr, I think I that I may have pink eye.”
“Ok, take off your pants.”

Oh, Dr. Wynn…

Anyway, when I finally did see the doctor, he poked and prodded at me for a bit and determined that I did strain some muscles in my back pretty badly. Worse than that, he determined that I’ve been having some back spasms that have only made things worse. He sent in a nurse to inject me with some strong anti-inflammatory medicine and also my new friend, Valium.

It was amazing how quickly it took effect. My whole body just started to relax and feel much, much better.

I learned something yesterday, though. Be careful what you say when you’re on Valium, because you may not even remember it.

Last night, when one of my roommates came home, I said to him, “Dude, did you hear what happened to me today?” He responded, “What happened?”

I began to tell him of my trip to the treatment center and about my back troubles. He looked at me and said, “Yeah, we talked about this earlier. We had like a ten minute conversation. I thought you meant that something else happened. Do you not remember us talking about it?”

I stared blankly, trying to wrack my brain for any recollection of such a conversation. It was to no avail. As far as my brain was concerned, it never happened.

In addition to forgetting what you say, Valium has a tendency to cause you to doze off. Something I do remember from yesterday is writing an email to another friend. I completely dozed off right in the middle of what I was writing. I woke approximately ten minutes later to find that my hand had been resting on the “L” key. There was line after line after line that just looked like this:

Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

I should’ve just sent the email as it was. It would have been funny. Instead, I edited out the gratuitous “L’s” and finished up where from where I had stopped.

So today I propose a toast to Valium. May it make my ensuing days off from work tolerable, keep me from pain, and help make watching Batman Returns (it’s on right now) more interesting.

Happy Monday, people.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats

Can I have a do-over?

2007-03-02T00:19:00.000-06:00

As I contemplate the day gone by and begin to write something to be read tomorrow, one word keeps coming to mind:

Melancholy.

Today was not the greatest of days. The workload was massive and hectic. The weather was gloomy and dismal. Even lunch was a greasy double-cheeseburger from McDonald’s. (Hard to argue with the dollar menu, though.) Scrubs, the show I feel could always pick me up was a bit of a “downer” episode, too. It’s as if there was nothing I could do to make today better.

It got me to thinking…how could the day have been different? If I had made some different choices, could Thursday, March 1, 2007 have been better than the way it turned out to be?

Some might say, “No way. Look at all that happened to you. You’re a victim of your circumstances.” (Seriously, who talks like that?) I think, however, that it could have been different. I could have made some different choices. The choices that I could have changed were with my attitude.

In another, what I am starting to think as, classic “I hate my brain” moment, I am remembering something that one of my teachers in high school did. At the time I thought he was nuts. I remember it clearly. He was a first year teacher, so he didn’t quite seem all that organized. He began the class by calling roll. He handed out a syllabus (a hilarious word, by the way), and then he handed out another sheet of paper. This sheet of paper had one sentence written on it in big, bold, capital letters:

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING.

That’s it. It said no more. He then went on to talk about how good and bad things happen to all of us each and every day. It is how we respond to those things that matters. I remember thinking at the time, “Why did he waste all that time and hand out this stupid sheet of paper? This guy is never gonna make it as a teacher.”

Here it is…many, many years later and that moment sticks out in my mind. The kicker is that I know what he said is true. Everybody has their “ups and downs,” but not everybody bounces back from the “downs” so well. How you choose to bounce back is completely up to you. You can either let yourself be victimized or you can take control and turn things for the positive. It is in your hands.

Me? I’m going to choose “up.” Tomorrow is another day, and you know what, it’s going to rock.

Bring it on.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Fool in the Rain” by Led Zeppelin

Wait here, I'll be right back...

2007-03-01T00:06:00.001-06:00

March 1st (best month of the year, by the way) kicks off the start of National Ghostwriters (not to be confused with the movie of questionable quality, Ghost Rider) Week. It makes me think that maybe one of you ought to be writing this. I mean, seriously, you take and you take and you take from this blog. How ‘bout you contribute a little? (It’s ok. I forgive you.)

Alas, that will not be the case.

Lately, I’ve been noticing a disturbing trend. It seems that more and more scary movies are coming out in the theaters. It started with Norbit (scary in its own way) and lately I feel that I have been assaulted with commercials for bunches of scary movies. Since January, there have been many, many frightening releases such as The Hitcher, #23, and Zodiac. Coming soon to a theater near you, however, is what looks to be the ultimate scary film. It is called Dead Silence. It appears to be about a bunch of ventriloquists’ dummies that come to life and bring people to various degrees of deadness.

It’s as if they’ve peered in to my brain and decided that I ought to have nightmares for the rest of my life. I’m not sure why, but dolls just freak me out, man. (I feel a little bit like Dennis Hopper after typing that last line.) There’s something in their eyes. So cold, so calculating, so fear inducing. I swear one of these days they will move on their own, and we must be ready for when that day comes.

To that end, I propose the following solution: We must keep anything that could aid an evil doll in doing us harm at least four feet off of the ground. Their short stature and stubby, little arms will be their undoing. Additionally, it would be a good idea to keep an extra pillowcase or two on hand to throw over their heads and carry them off. Again, their tiny size is their greatest weakness.

Maybe, just maybe, if we all work together, we can prevent the inevitable doll revolution from being successful.

Hmm, on second thought after reading this over, maybe one of you should’ve written today. Those holiday planners knew what they were doing after all.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Boomin’” by TobyMac

First, you limp to the left like your leg was broken...

2007-02-28T00:19:00.001-06:00

I love my mp3 player. I call it my dPod. (Like an iPod, but the Dell equivalent.) On it, I have loads and loads of music of all sorts. One minute I’ll be listening to “Recitar” from Pagliacci and then the next minute will bring “When Worlds Collide” by Powerman 5000. I love the variety that is available with the mp3 player.

However, the other day I discovered a major disadvantage to listening to my mp3 player or a cd in my car versus listening to the radio. I was coming back from lunch and had left my mp3 player at work, so I was “stuck” with the radio. Lo and behold, Digital Underground’s “Humpty Dance” comes on the station to which I am listening. Unable to resist it’s rhythmic awesomeness, I start waving my head from side to side and doing my best “car dance.” (You know how the “car dance” works…it’s all in the shoulders.) As I approached a stoplight, I looked over at the car in the next lane and was shocked, amazed, and impressed to see some other dude who, obviously, was listening to the same station as he was doing his own version of the “car dance.” There was that awkward moment when we both realized what each other was doing, but then the rhythm took over and more fun was had by all.

So it’s possible that the mp3 player and cd player are working in unison to kill off the simultaneous multi-car dance. Which is just a cryin’ shame, if you ask me…

More interesting, however, is how people act while in their cars. Admit it…when you’re in your car, you feel alone and secure. When a song comes on that you adore, you belt it out from the top of your lungs as if no one else in the world knows what you are doing. You are full of confidence because you think no one else is around you in earshot. The second someone catches you, though, you shy away from the music and look straight ahead, trying to avoid eye contact at all costs.

Why is this? Are we just that insecure? If we just “thought” that nobody was around would we be free to act out the way we really feel?

Today, be the “alone-in-the-car” version of yourself. Belt out a song. Dance a dance. I think you’ll find that you like it.

Just don’t get into an accident*.

Much luv,
Rob

*Rob’s Random Musings is not responsible for any damage caused by following any advice provided.
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Song of the Day: “The Nile’s Edge” by VAST

Touché, magic hallway…

2007-02-27T00:09:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I hate my brain. I remember some of the most absolutely insane things. For example, I heard “More Than A Woman” by The Bee Gees this afternoon and my thoughts immediately turned to the movie Short Circuit because Johnny #5 sang it to the girl in that movie for less than one minute. That was back in 1986. 21 years ago…yet my brain managed to make the connection in about two seconds.

How does that happen? Ask me what I had for dinner last night and I’ll just stare blankly, but I remember what song a stupid robot sang in a movie oh-so-long ago. I wonder how much room there really is inside my brain, and how much of it is wasted with trivial facts about old movies and music. How much more important could the retained things in my head be if there weren’t so much junk in there?

Sometimes all of these random memories make me feel a little like my good buddy J.D. from Scrubs. Someone will be talking to me and say something that triggers some memory, and I’ll look up and to the left (why always up and to the left?) as some bizarre scene plays out in my head. Moments later, I snap back into reality and the person talking to me gives me a look that says, “O….K…?”

I just can’t help it. That’s the way I’m wired up and there’s nothing I can do about it now.

So what to do about it? I figure that someday it will pay off on some game show when I remember that the scientist trying to recover the missing Johnny #5 was named Benjamin or can name that tune in just three notes.

Until then, I’ll just remain distracted. (Don’t take it personally.)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Hold on Hope” by Guided By Voices

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming…

2007-02-26T00:27:00.000-06:00

So it has been brought to my attention by some of you reader-types that this little blog could benefit from a little more joy and lot less cynicism. Today, I will attempt to bring you some happiness.

Here goes…

Happiness (n.) good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Just where does one find this happiness? Nobel Peace Prize winner Albert Schweitzer once said:

“I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.”

What? Serving brings happiness? Can that be true? Doesn’t that fly in the face of everything we’ve ever been taught as Americans? Often we are told that when we get enough “stuff” or are in charge of enough people that we will obtain this ever-elusive happiness. The fundamental problem with attempting to acquire things is that there is always more out there for us to seek to obtain. Animated billionaire and slightly less credible source once had this exchange with Homer Simpson:

Homer: “Ya know, Mr. Burns, you’re the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.”
Monty: “Yes, but I’d trade it all for a little more.”

Sure, that may come from a cartoon, but there’s a solid lesson to be learned. (See, Pastor Scott, you can make an example from anything!) Someone who has gained so much financially and is seated in a position of power is unsatisfied with what he possesses.

But serving? Come on, you must be kidding! When you break it down, finding the original source of happiness becomes necessary for figuring out how to obtain it. The answer is simple:

It is a gift from God.

John Piper discusses in his book, "Desiring God," the idea of Christian Hedonism. Hedonism is defined as the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the highest good. So what is Christian Hedonism? If happiness is a gift from God, then it would makes sense that pursuing God would lend itself to being our main source of happiness.

So how do we pursue God? To stay on point with what our buddy Al (that’s Mr. Schweitzer) had to say, one of the ways we can pursue God is to serve others. It says in the book of Philippians:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg…

Seems like Albert knew what he was talking about…

So give it a shot. Serve someone. Serve someone who doesn’t even deserve it. Happiness will follow.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Hook” by Blues Traveler

Fleshy-headed mutant, are you friendly?

2007-02-23T00:30:00.000-06:00

How’s it goin’, eh?

As it was foretold last Friday at Kate’s party…

“And lo, they shall gather at Primrose and take in a projected image of that which is most hilarious, most enthralling, and most Canadian.”

Last night a couple of us got together and watched Strange Brew. Now, I hadn’t seen it in many, many years and was certain that it wouldn’t have stood the test of time.

My friends, I could not have been more wrong. Strange Brew is, in fact, still hilarious, if not more hilarious than it had ever been. If given the chance, I encourage any and all of you to get your hands on a copy of this film and watch it while drinking a Molson. (I don’t even like beer, but felt it was in the spirit of the evening.)

Follow that up with some Scrubs and The Office and my Thursday night was awesome, and I find that I am in a mood of highest quality. It seems that laughter is conducive to happiness, so I offer these simple truths about laughter:

When we laugh we ...
- Alleviate depression;
- Lower our blood pressure;
- Promote relaxation;
- Reduce stress;
- Increase the oxygen level in our blood, giving us more energy;
- Increase the endorphin activity in our body resulting in a sense of well being;
- Are able to keep things in perspective;
- Banish boredom;
- Are more socially attractive - people enjoy being with those who laugh easily and often; and
- Immeasurably increase our enjoyment of life.
Laughter has been called social glue because it bonds us to the people we laugh with. The message is clear: To live better ... laugh more.

If it feels good to laugh then laugh to feel good.

So laugh.

Like now, eh!

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Am I Ever Gonna Change” by Extreme

Brought to you by Aleve…

2007-02-22T00:01:00.000-06:00

“Ow!”

That was my first word of the day as I sat up in bed to turn off my alarm clock. (It plays the theme from Firefly, for any who are curious.) I think that I’ve pulled a muscle in my back. It happened last Friday and I’ve been taking things slow, but yesterday while picking up a heavier box at work it began to slip from my hands and I tried to catch it. (It’s my cat-like reflexes that are my undoing.) In doing so, I tweaked things a bit and am now very, very sore.

The upshot is I get to actually use a sick day from work and stay home to watch some awesome daytime tv. I think that Maury Povich is having gender-confused aliens who aren’t sure who is the father of their baby on the show today. Time for boot camp!

It seems that America’s Funniest Home Videos is on much of the day on various channels. It’s always fun to watch people getting hit by things which brings me to the single greatest idea that I have ever had:

IMPACT television.

Seriously, it would be a 24-hour per day network that just featured footage of people hitting things or being hit by things. It never gets old seeing people get hit in the comedy zones (the face and the groin) over and over again. Never again would you be forced to watch commercials during your favorite programming. During commercials, just tune in to IMPACT television for a few minutes to get loads of laughs or wince in some sympathetic pain.

I know that I’d watch. Of course, it would again have me saying:

“Ow!”

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “La Valse D'amelie (Theme From Amelie)” by Yann Tierson

The answer is four…

2007-02-21T00:02:00.000-06:00

Firstly, it’s very funny watching Steve try to adjust to actually working. He just can’t bring himself to go to bed, and I think it’s hilarious. He’s said at least half a dozen times so far, “Alright guys, I’m goin’ to bed.” Yet he’s still sitting here…not sleeping.

HA!

So I got to thinking about a question I was recently asked: “What was the last song playing on your mp3 player?”

I realize that right now the answer to that question is “Tiny Dancer” by Elton John, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I may need to turn in one of my man-cards or something. I listen to a little bit of everything, but I’m now paranoid about whatever might be the “last” thing to which I was listening because you just never know when someone might ask you, “Hey, what’s the last song you heard?” Don’t let yourself be caught in my current position where “Elton John” might be the answer you have to give.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Did you know that Sir Elton John’s middle name is Hercules? He was born with the name Reginald Kenneth Dwight. He changed it to Elton Hercules John. The “Sir” part came much later, after he began donning those giant, Sauron-sized glasses that, I can only assume, grant him x-ray vision or something. He can probably see me right now with those things. (How many fingers am I holding up, Sir Elton?)

Why am I rambling on about Elton John?

I don’t have a good answer for that. I guess I’m just hung up thinking about the last song I heard tonight.

I suppose it could have been worse. At least it wasn’t “The Girl From Ipanema.”

Don’t judge me.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “L’Arena” by Ennio Morricone

Or I might just go bowling…

2007-02-20T00:11:00.000-06:00

Discovered a nice blues riff on the ol’ bass guitar tonight. Now, I can’t really say that I’ve got any real reason to sing the blues, but I stumbled across this handy, dandy guide for doing just that. So here they are, the rules for singin’ the blues:

1. Most Blues begin “woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in right away:
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pounds.

4. The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other acceptable Blues transportation modes include Greyhound buses and southbound trains. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.

6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. In the Blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get the electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.

7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression. The best places to have the Blues are still Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck rolled over on it is.

9. The following colors do not belong in the Blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless you’re truly desperate for a rhyme).

10. You can’t have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

11. Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places to have the Blues: ashrams, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf courses, Tiffany's, and Ivy League institutions.

12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man—and it’s an old black suit.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Answer “Yes” if:
a. your first name is a southern state—like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can’t be satisfied.
e. you're older than dirt
Answer “No” if:
a. you once were blind but now can see.
b. you’re deaf
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a trust fund or an IRA.
e. you have all your teeth
f. you were once blind but now can see

14. Blues is not about color, it's about bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues; Gary Coleman could. Ugly old white people got a leg up on the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will never sing the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, beer, black coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher wine, sparkling water, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast. Although Rubber Biscuits and the Wish Sandwich are famous blues snacks, better stick to common blues grub like Greasy Bar-b-que, Fatback and beans, and Government cheeze. Blues food is never: Club sandwich, Sushi, or Crème brule.

16. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.

17. Excellent names for female Blues singers: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, or Fat River Dumpling. Excellent names for male Blues singers: Willie, Joe, Little Willie, Lightning, or Big Willie. Singers with names like Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwenyth, Sequoiz, Brittany or Rainbow are not permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

18. The Build Your Own Blues Singer Name Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic)
b. First name (from above lists) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of a U. S. president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Okay, maybe not "Kiwi"…)

19. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
You'd best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun.
Maybe your big ass woman just done sit on it. I don't care

20. Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks singin' the
Blues ain't never had much a chance for education. In the Blues… the three R's stand
for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.

21. It gots to be dark to sing the blues, preferably after midnight. Singin' da blues at noon is forbidden.

22. If none of the above works, try one last, pathetic stab at authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken.

23. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning.”

I suddenly have the urge to go watch “The Long Kiss Goodnight.” [singing] Putting the keys in my left pocket. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. Gun in the right-hand side.[/singing]

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Find My Baby” by Moby

The sky is the limit…

2007-02-19T10:22:00.000-06:00

Boy, what a boring weekend. Absolutely nothing happened at all. Ho hum.

Wait, no, that’s not right. This weekend was great! I have a nephew now! On Saturday, February 17th, little Liam was born! William Hanul (not sure on the spelling of that part yet) Mayer came into this world weighing an even seven pounds and measuring 19.5 inches long. It was an exciting time for the family. Sarah was such a trooper…never took the pain meds. She even finished the labor in time to see the three-point contest like she had hoped. One of the first things she asked me afterwards was, “What time is the three point shootout?” Rumor has it that Dirk was going to dedicate this victory to Sarah and Liam, but he came up short. Too bad.

But my nephew is awesome. He came into this world with his eyes wide open, and seemed extremely attentive to everything going on around him. It was very neat to see.

Grandma and Grandpa Yun were a blast as well. The communication barrier was fun to overcome. Sure, I didn’t know what they were saying most of the time, but the joy in the room was understandable in any language. I remember at one point in time, Grandpa Yun looked at me and said something. I did not know what he was saying at first, but then he started to make a basketball shooting motion and then pointed to Liam and me. I’ve been instructed by grandpa to teach Liam some basketball. That sounds like a pretty good task to me. I look forward to it.

So congrats to Bill and Sarah! May Liam bring you lots of joy and happiness!

And to the rest of you…Happy President’s Day! Go do something patriotic.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Rockstar” by Nickelback

You know, for kids…

2007-02-16T01:24:00.001-06:00

Did you know that today is Kim Jong-il’s birthday? It is. He is now 66 years old, and looks as good as the day he turned 65 and 364/365ths. Happy birthday, buddy! (Please don’t nuke us!)

And just what do you get for one of the most feared men on the planet? A necktie? The latest dvd set of Seinfeld? A thermonuclear device?

I think I’d get him what every red-blooded human being wants…a flamethrower. A wise man (ie: some dude on a website somewhere) once said, “The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.’”

Profound words from someone who’s spent a little too much time playing first person shooters on the computer, if you ask me, but it seems true enough.

Kinda makes you wonder what other inventions came along under odd circumstances. Who was the first person to design a hula-hoop? Did they just pick up a ring of some sort and wonder, “I bet if I wiggle my hips about like so, this thing will stay up off of the ground and provide hours of entertainment.” It was such a simple concept that companies added little touches, such as different materials and noisemakers, to capitalize on it and make marketable.

Now, if only there were some way to combine the simplicity of the hula-hoop with the sheer awesomeness of the flamethrower…

Hmm…

I think I’ll give Hasbro a call.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Caribbean Queen” by Billy Ocean (Oh, Billy, after the Pacific and the Arctic, you’re my favorite ocean.)

It’s no Street Fighter…

2007-02-15T00:01:00.001-06:00

First, I’d like to thank the mystery person who sent a very encouraging card to my roommates and me. Your words were very kind and much appreciated. (Very nice handwriting, too.) So if you’re reading this, thanks!

Now…

Killer instinct. No, I’m not talking about the old Super Nintendo game that pitted two foes against each other in a fight to drain each other’s life bar. If you were me playing that game, it pretty much consisted of running your fighter towards the other fighter and then mashing the buttons as fast as you could possibly could while taunting your opponent.

Good times…

Tonight I played in a “league” basketball game. Now, when I play basketball, I usually am just in it to have some fun and typically am not even aware of the current score. I typically get distracted talking to people and on occasion even daydream. (Sometimes causing an ear-to-ear grin before draining an unnecessary deuce for the game, causing much misinterpretation and leading to a whole lot of grief directed my way…) My point is, for the first time ever playing basketball, I ran into someone much like myself on the court tonight. The guy I was tasked with guarding from the other team had a very similar attitude toward the game. Early on, we got tied up going for a rebound and both ended up falling down. I was pretty sure that I fouled the guy, but no whistle was blown by the referee, who I’m pretty certain was busy thinking about the fact that he was missing tonight’s episode of Lost (another great one, btw). I helped the guy get back up and said something like, “Sorry, dude. Pretty sure I got you on that one.” “No problem, would be nice if someone else on my team was around for that rebound, though.” We began to jaw at each other for the rest of the game, and I realized that at no point did I see this guy as “the enemy.” He was as passive as myself.

Seeing it in someone else, though, it became clear that passivity just doesn’t get it done in basketball. At one point, one of my teammates said, “You have GOT to get more aggressive out there.” I just don’t have it in me, though.

So where is it? Where’s my killer instinct? Is it gone for good? How can I track it down? Should I bother? Did one of you take it? Can I have it back?

Ultimately, I guess I’m just not that competitive on the basketball court. If you break out the old SNES, though, you’re in for a world of hurt, darlin’.

Bring it.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Snow (Hey Oh)” by Red Hot Chili Peppers (seems fitting)

Personally, I think that the T-800 and T-X would make a cute couple…

2007-02-14T00:01:00.000-06:00

The word “irony” comes to mind as I sit down and begin to write what I think will be something about Valentine’s Day. You see, it’s half time of the Bulls game (they’re down by 5 right now) and I flipped the channel to find Terminator 3 playing on AMC.

Nothing inspires you to write about Valentine’s Day like a pair of nigh-indestructible cyborgs shooting each other and smashing up a bathroom while the fate of the world hangs in the balance. (In a word: Awesome.)

But about Valentine’s Day…what does a single guy have to say about this holiday? Well, I did a little bit of digging to learn more about it. It turns out that the holiday is named after Saint Valentine, which actually refers to some martyred saints of ancient Rome. Originally, February 14th was celebrated with a great feast and it wasn’t until about the fourteenth century that the holiday was associated with romance due to some creative historical liberties taken by Geoffrey Chaucer. Now the holiday is exclusively thought of in a romantic manner.

Amazing what someone can do just by writing something. They can actually change the way history is remembered. (Hmmm…)

For me, I can’t say that I’ve given a whole lot of thought about Valentine’s Day. Tomorrow will be just another day for me. One in which I’ll probably have to shovel more snow and drive in nasty traffic. For many others, though, it’s a day to spend some extra time with that special someone you really care about and show them just how much they mean to you.

So that’s it from me regarding Valentine’s Day. No snarky comments. It’s just a little history lesson.

I’ll look forward to the Korean holiday, Black Day. It takes place on April 14th and is a day set aside for males who did not receive anything for Valentine’s Day in which they gather together to eat Jajangmyun. (Chinese noodles in black sauce.)

I think in the Chicago area we can substitute an Italian beef.

Yum.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Who Did You Think I Was” by John Mayer Trio

I miss donkey...

2007-02-12T23:15:00.000-06:00

As a self-proclaimed movie snob, something drew my ire today. I was browsing through the news a bit and stumbled across the list of the top-grossing movies from this weekend. Granted, it is a slow time for movies right now…but Norbit was #1 by a large, large margin.

Seriously, Norbit. (I must warn you...clicking that link may be hazardous to your mental health.)

Why? How? WHY????

For those who haven’t been assaulted with any of the commercials for this mess, I’ll sum it up for you. Eddie Murphy plays three different parts, all of which are ridiculously annoying. THE END.

Having watched Gladiator only yesterday, I still had the taste of some good film on my lips when I ran across the story and I just can’t help but wonder why people braved the winter cold to go see this “film.” Are they that bored? Couldn’t find a better way to throw away $9.75 on a weekend? Were they subliminally brainwashed to do so? (Do something awesome for Rob.) Maybe they were just so awestruck from the Bears loss a week ago and just needed to escape.

Regardless, a lot of people made a bad decision, and now someday we’ll see a sequel in which Eddie Murphy will play even more annoying characters and they’ll throw in some token, white has-been like Pauly Shore.. Frankly, I am saddened at the thought, and it will probably plague my dreams.

So I urge you, faithful readers, in the name of good taste…please don’t let Norbit be #1 again next weekend. Please.

On to happier news, the Dixie Chicks say that they might be ready to make nice. Isn’t that precious…

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “Good Time” by Leroy

I can't feel my toes...

2007-02-11T22:15:00.000-06:00

Anyone else from Calvary come home from church and watch Gladiator? Surely, I’m not the only one…

Perhaps you haven’t noticed, but lately in the Chicago-land area it has been just a wee-bit on the chilly side. No, seriously, it has…

As I ponder why it is that my fingers just can’t seem to keep warm no matter what I attempt, I got to thinking that there surely must be some good things about the cold. Everything has its merit, right? Right?

So today I offer up a top five list. From the home office in Schaumburg, IL I bring you:

Top Five Reasons why the Extreme Cold is Better than the Extreme Heat
5) Coffee. It just seems better in the bitter cold weather.
4) Penguins! They can do that cool slide thing that we, as humans, must envy for all of our lives.
3) Excessive sweating is just disgusting. There are no two ways about it.
2) That wonderful feeling you get when you sniffle and feel everything inside your nose freeze up. Mmm…

and the #1 reason…
1) You can always wear more layers of clothing. There are only so many layers that you can remove…at least according to stupid laws.

Feels warmer already, doesn’t it?

No, I’m still cold, too.

(Only 37 more days until spring!)

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “White Rabbit” by Blue Man Group (originally by Jefferson Airplane, but I like this version better)

Fairy tales are full of crap…

2007-02-08T21:00:00.000-06:00

First off, I’d just like to say that I love Lost. As I write this, I’m sitting on the Thomasville watching season two of Lost with Nick and occasionally taunting him…”I know what’s gonna happen. I know what’s gonna happen.”

Last night’s episode of Lost was pretty cool, and that’s all I’m gonna say about that lest I spoil it for any of you who are not caught up. (I cannot, however, vouch that nothing will be spoiled in the comment section. So if you’re worried about stuff like that, be wary of what you read.)

Today I’d like to carry on with the next installment of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, er...I mean, Ridiculously Insane!

Just when you thought our favorite astronaut story couldn’t be topped, I heard about this story. Apparently, things had gotten so bad between Angela Nellany and her husband, Paul, that she wanted him dead. He was allergic to wasps and she put a can of grape soda in his car in an effort to use wasps to sting him to death. Later, she tried to hire a friend’s boyfriend to kill her husband. She paid him the handsome sum of $300 to start and promised another $300 when the job was done. Being a man who could think on his feet, he promptly spent the initial $300 and then went to tell the husband of his crazy wife’s intentions. The husband then went to the authorities.

During the investigations, the detectives learned that Paul had gotten random phone calls from “anonymous people” who said that his wife was trying to kill him. It wasn’t even the first time that he had heard that his wife wanted him dead.

Now, there are several things wrong with this scenario:

1)Who uses wasps to try and kill someone? Turns out that their kids were in the car during this attempt and they could’ve been killed too! I mean, come on, wasps? Was she inspired by last summer’s blockbuster Snakes On A Plane? Now we have wasps in a car!

2)Paul went on record to say that this wasn’t the first time that his wife had wanted him dead. Now, I don’t know about you, but if someone wanted me dead (why would someone want to kill me, anyway? Don’t answer that.), I’d remove myself from their presence yesterday. And then I’d move even further away. And when I was done with that moving, I’d move again.

3)$300 to kill someone? I’d have demanded at LEAST $350.

But seriously, what is going on? Where are all the normal people? For once, I just want to read something “normal” in the news, for example:

Schaumburg, IL - Today a local man sat on his comfy couch while watching old episodes of Lost with his roommate and writing in his blog. Shortly after, one of his admiring readers sent him a check for $1,000 and provided him with a monkey butler.

See, isn’t that better? I agree.

You know where to send the check.

Much luv,
Rob
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Song of the Day: “My Overkill” by Colin Hay (is that obscure enough for you, F3?)

#29

2007-02-07T23:35:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder to myself, “Rob, how do you expect to find something to write about frequently?” Some days it is pretty difficult to find something interesting. Some days I’m just not sure I’m going to find anything at all.

And then there’s days like today…

Have you heard the recent story of Lisa Nowak? She’s an astronaut with NASA. She recently found her way into the news for doing something rather special. Remember how I said that Dictionary.com had 28 definitions for “love?” Well, this story has GOT to merit definition number 29.

Lisa Nowack became obsessed with a fellow astronaut and “was accused of hatching an extraordinary plot to kidnap the woman she believed was her rival” for the affections of this other astronaut. So she hopped in her car to drive approximately 900 miles to accomplish this task. Naturally, she donned some adult diapers so that she could avoid making any unnecessary bathroom stops. She brought with her some pepper spray, a knife, a BB gun (possibly an official Red Ryder carbine action two hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time), a new steel mallet, and some rubber tubing.

All this comes from a NASA astronaut.

Now, I’m no rocket scientist, but I’m fairly certain that this lady, who as recently as July was on board the shuttle “Discovery,” should not be one either. Aren’t astronauts subject to some pretty stiff screening procedures? How did little Lisa get through?

When children are young (as most of them are) and asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up,” there are a few answers that pop up more frequently than others. Some might say that they want to be a fireman, superstar athlete, or a movie star. Others probably said that they’d want to be an astronaut.

Just makes me a little nervous now…that’s all.

And to give a little help to Dictionary.com, I’ll go ahead and offer definition #29:

love (luv) n. – the state of mind in which one will do absolutely insane acts to attract the attention of another…who probably is frightened at the sight of you in diapers wielding a knife and some rubber tubing.

Much luv (not the #29 kind),
Rob

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Song of the Day: “19th Nervous Breakdown” by Rolling Stones
(I threw a link in there for you, F3)

BLOGGIN' 2: Electric Boogaloo

2007-02-06T23:54:00.000-06:00

So it’s been 412 days since I last wrote something for the good ol’ Rob’s Ridiculous Rants blog. (May it rest in peace.) Ok, I don’t really know exactly how many days it has been, but it sounded like a good number. Since that blogsite decided to start charging to maintain the posts, I let it die down and over 100 articles are gone forever. (So sad, but I’m writing in Word and saving this time around.) Lately, there have been occasions when I felt the urge to take up the pen/keyboard and start writing again.

However, I needed something to inspire me. I needed something that would really get my creative juices flowing. I needed something that would make this feel more like fun and less like work. It just so happens that I’ve found it…the ultimate muse:

Love.

Dictionary.com has 28 definitions for the word “love.”

I am talking about that most sacred kind of love. A love that lasts through good and bad, through thick and thin, through the heights of miracle comebacks against the Cardinals and the lowly defeats to the Packers. I’m talking about a love for my Super Bowl runner’s up…

Da Bears.

(Where did you think I was going with this?)

It’s been an interesting two days since Devin Hester wowed us (and shut my mouth up) with his opening kick return for a touchdown. Since then, there has been a party in Indianapolis, permission has been given to Ron Rivera to interview with the Cowboys, and approximately three million articles have been written bashing Rex Grossman.

Have we become spoiled? The city of Chicago isn’t used to this. When we make it to the title games, we win, right? That’s just how we roll. (Unless, of course, you’re a hockey fan and remember the Blackhawks getting swept by the Penguins.) We have always won the big games.

Until now.

So what do we do? How do we cope? Some people are incessantly optimistic and cry out, “Wait ‘til next year!” (Cubs fans, I’m looking in your direction.) Others say, “The team is just too young and inexperienced.” (Bulls fans, that’d be you.) Still others might say, “We were just one big player away.” (South-Side Sox fans.) Hockey fans are saying, “….” (I don’t know what hockey fans say, eh.)

Me? I’ve decided to pick up writing again, and here we have it. Hopefully something here made you smile. It may be a purely joyful smile. It may be a laughing smile. It may be a “Geez, Rob’s an idiot smile.” Or maybe you didn’t smile, in which case the terrorists have, indeed, already won.

But thank you. By reading this, you’re enabling me to cope, whether you like it or not.

Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.

Sounds like a win to me.

Much luv,
Rob

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Song of the Day: “Anywhere” by Evanescence

And the Spartan Scale Says...

2007-02-02T23:34:00.002-06:00

I've decided to keep track of the movies I rate on my Spartan Scale here...don't really know why, but here you have it. The Spartan Scale ranks, in number of Spartans, how good/bad a movie is in comparison to the movie "300," which I disliked very much. So a rating of 300 Spartans means the movie was equally bad as "300." Feel free to agree with me as you see fit. Understand that any disagreements that you might have are flawed and incorrect.

Movies (In alphabetical order)
300: 300 Spartans
Borat: 500 Spartans
Bio-Dome: 490 Spartans
Charlie Wilson's War: 22 Spartans
Fight Club: 8 Spartans
The Happening: 484 Spartans
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: 244 Spartans
Iron Man: 24 Spartans
Juno: 7 Spartans